solitude

“buried in a layer of frost”

2012-01-31T17:02:00.002+02:00

It’s terribly cold today.

When nature displays its power by holding the world in an ice grip animals put aside whatever grudges there might be between them and nestle against one another to warm. But the weather outside is nothing compared to the freezing hostility of my co-workers.

My soul feels so cold today. I need a hug.

... 171

2012-01-28T19:29:00.002+02:00

Maybe my hopes for the future seem within reach because the most that I want from it is not much and costs absolutely nothing.

... 170

2012-01-28T17:30:00.001+02:00

When truth is destructive wouldn’t it be suicidal to stick to it?

... 169

2012-01-24T16:51:00.002+02:00

I haven’t listened to IAMX in the last few days because I can’t stop playing TGWTDT soundtrack. To my surprise (a most delightful one) I’m growing quite fond of it. It might be the weather…or it might be the magic making its way back to me.

... 168

2012-01-22T19:26:00.000+02:00

I’m not the one I was yesterday and tomorrow I will be different from the one I am today. The question is not about whether “forever” is possible; it is about people wanting it to be possible. The status quo utopia.

... 167

2012-01-19T17:17:00.003+02:00

I need just one day when everything will feel right, one day of peace of mind-just to know it's possible.

... 166

2012-01-15T15:59:00.003+02:00

My family is so fucked up-we give animals the love and the mercy we should give to one another.

... 165

2012-01-15T10:00:00.003+02:00

Today’s horoscope:

Are you mulling over an important decision — or are you merely procrastinating? Be careful that you don’t get a reputation for being indecisive. Today, grab life by the hand and take it for a whirl! Do something spontaneous that will surprise the folks around you. Prove to them (and to yourself) that you know that sometimes the value of doing something is much higher than the value of thinking about doing something.

What life?; what spontaneity? when it is paralyzingly cold outside, my thoughts freeze and my mind aborts them as futureless a second after conceiving them. And yet I have to go out ‘cause staying at home suffocates the life out of me.

Whenever I don’t hate my father I pity him. I’m not sure which would terrify him more. I wish I could write “will” instead of “would”. Sometimes I fantasize about smashing him with the truth.

... 164

2012-01-11T18:24:00.002+02:00

I wanna go home,
take off this uniform

and leave the show

... 163

2012-01-07T20:13:00.001+02:00

... 162

2012-01-01T17:15:00.003+02:00

January 1^st is preserved for dreaming-the wilder, the better. If only thoughts could immediately come into action…”oh, what a wonderful world it would be”.

Am I happy? At least I’m not totally unhappy and for the time being that feels almost close to happiness. I wish I was all the time so cheerful and easy-going as I appear to be in my writings. Sometimes I even happen to believe my own lies and when I do it doesn’t hurt that much to breathe.

... 161

2012-01-01T00:26:00.002+02:00

The test was a complete success :))))))))))))) And it is already tomorrow :) That’s quite enough for starters and much more than I hoped for.

... 160

2011-12-31T16:55:00.001+02:00

Tonight is the final test. The last time I stuck fingers down my throat to force myself to throw up was about a year ago. I haven’t had a crisis since then. I feared Christmas was to provoke one but to my greatest surprise the Christmas feast went smoothly and I didn't eat more than normally eat on any other day. Oh, dear, could it be I’m through with my eating disorder once and for all? I do not dare to hope yet. I wish it was already tomorrow. Wish me strength. Wish me luck.

... 159

2011-12-30T18:48:00.001+02:00

A belated Christmas wish: I wish I had any artistic talent.

... 158

2011-12-24T08:18:00.002+02:00

On this day, exactly a year ago, Vincent passed away.

I love you, my precious one-always and forever.

My heart still bleeds.

... 157

2011-12-18T17:16:00.002+02:00

I hope never to live to see a world in which people don’t care about music.

... 156

2011-12-11T09:39:00.000+02:00

This isn’t right. It’s in fact so wrong that it’s a league of its own. I must have fucked up big time in my previous life. Such a notion would’ve helped if I believed in reincarnation…which I don’t and how could I when the only thought to make me feel less miserable is that all this will eventually end once and for all. One day I’ll be free and my ghost will be happily dancing on my grave. It’s that bad.

... 155

2011-12-06T12:03:00.001+02:00

"Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them... Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself...soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life."

—Remus Lupin to Harry Potter

It feels as if I have a personal dementor attached to me.
I need my soul back.

... 154

2011-12-04T17:25:00.002+02:00

Demons are back. And they are stronger than ever.
Some days life makes no sense at all. One day I can survive but what do I do when that day repeats itself over and over? How do you keep sanity in an insane situation?!

... 153

2011-12-04T09:33:00.001+02:00

I feel like a triggered bomb just about to go off-an unbearable and as if everlasting sensation; also suffocating.

... 152

2011-12-03T18:08:00.001+02:00

Some days just stink of wrongness but today in particular was filthy rotten. Faith collapsing. And no one gives a fuck. Right now I could leave with no regrets.

... 151

2011-11-27T15:35:00.000+02:00

So far the day goes so wrong that I’d be more than happy to go back to the office tomorrow. On second thought-maybe not. Yuck. I miss my smile. Without it I see the world too distinctly to like it.

... 150

2011-11-26T17:44:00.001+02:00

It’s so easy to slip back. I don’t want to go back; nothing awaits me there…nothing but the simplicity and the safety of routine. I hope never again to find myself in such despair to be tempted by it. I need my heart resonating with the beat of life.

... 149

2011-11-26T15:45:00.001+02:00

Walking on very high heels definitely teaches humbleness, though by force-when the earth beneath your feet shakes you develop an unexpected affection for it…and yet not as much as to want to kiss it.

...148

2011-11-26T07:36:00.005+02:00

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Well, not yet. But I will. As long as there’s a promise of light on the horizon and magic in the heart I will. How can people bear a life without at least a sprinkle of magic? How can they go blind for beauty? How can they neglect their hearts?

I just thought-it would be interesting to hear Chris Corner cover that song. His voice is perfect to reflect the emotivity of both lyrics and melody.

The light barely glimmers but is not gone for good. Not yet. Not as long as I keep on breathing. Take that, death wish.

... 147

2011-11-25T17:48:00.001+02:00

I had no idea hair dyeing took so long! Exterior metamorphosis still in progress. Girls just wanna have fun… Anyway; fun's good but what I really want is a good talk and that, as it turns out, is a rare commodity. Err, whatever. I guess people don’t care much for words. Pity.

... 146

2011-11-24T18:52:00.004+02:00

It’s fun to explore my feminine power-fun, surprising, invigorating...and with a slight touch of disappointment. I knew image was important and yet... Hmm. A pair of high heels and tight jeans and all of a sudden my existence in this world is acknowledged-as if I have bought a VIP ticket allowing me access to the backstage of life. To my astonishment the masquerade works. What I find even stranger is that the warmth of the limelight feels cozy to bathe into. Does that make me shallow? Taken out of context I suppose that my newly developed fling with vanity could be referred to as shallowness. I, however, being a key ingredient of the background would call it catching up with the playfulness and the carefree state of mind of youth whose show is drawing to its end and the curtains are about to come down so it is now or never. Shallow and exhilarated or profound and miserable? I don’t have time for wrong choices.

... 145

2011-11-24T16:44:00.000+02:00

Love me or hate me

But care for me-even backwards

A kiss tastes better than a bruise

But empty spaces get no marks

To put them on the map

My sparkling heart will be the guiding light-

Don’t let it go down;

Don’t flirt with darkness and its cold embrace

The love divine lives on the other side

I’m in a mood for life-who would’ve thought?!

... 144

2011-11-24T10:33:00.003+02:00

I want The Spiral back. It used to give a sense of unity that the official site fails to create. As if we were the chosen ones. Why did it have to be closed down?

... 143

2011-11-20T17:35:00.003+02:00

I must look neither back nor further. I must think of now. I wish there was more to think about.

And I want my Vincent back. I miss you, my precious one. I want to love again. I need to love again. Life is not complete without love and nothing can make it up for it.

I am allowed to dream, am I not?

... 142

2011-11-20T07:31:00.002+02:00

And light there was. It could’ve moved brisker but it happened as it happened and it wasn’t bad either. It was-to begin with. When you’ve played the game of losing for a substantial period of your life your system of appreciation gets delicate enough to detect even the slightest variations.

... 141

2011-11-18T15:01:00.002+02:00

And some days you wake up and you find yourself surrounded by nothing but darkness and not even a single spark comes along to break it-as if that’s how it’ll be from now on ‘till the end of times. My time that is. I step on the edge of reason trying to keep my balance. It would’ve been easier if I knew why I should bother at all.

I could use some words of comfort. Any; anyone’s; just to know that light is stuck in traffic but it’s on its way.

... 140

2011-11-16T18:54:00.004+02:00

I feel like posting “This will make you love again” over and over and over… Not only that voice makes me dream but it as well makes me believe my dreams can indeed come true. Pure magic.

WTF ?!

2011-11-13T07:17:00.001+02:00

Over the night my “official” blog was visited 5 times with the total of 23 pages viewed and all the visits came from the USA. Nothing extraordinary so far. What I don’t understand is how come all the visits were direct i.e. they didn’t come from referring sites. I don’t get it. Of course it is nothing but flattering to see someone has taken interest in my twaddle; I guess I’m just curious to know why. Some feedback would feel nice too-my mind craves for new perspectives. “Nothing quite like the feel of something new.”

... 139

2011-11-10T17:30:00.000+02:00

As I wrote earlier today on IAMX’s wall: “The lust for rapture is insatiable and selfish.” At least mine is. It’s a hunger that can never be satisfied. And the longer you put it off the greater the pleasure…or so I’d like to believe. A bubblegum to kill the time until the real meal comes.

Now that I think of it I use food allusions quite often. It makes sense to have food as an object of desire considering I’m on my kind of a diet for 10 years already. What you can’t have is always alluring and the fact you were the one to enforce the restriction doesn’t make it easier to obey. But when you do it always feels like a victory.

... 138

2011-11-09T19:28:00.000+02:00

Damn, this time TR deleted his FB account for real and, as I probably guess right, for good. FB shows me that as of today I have a friend less. Not that it was much of a friendship anyway to begin with but it kind of felt good to kind of have it. I’m burning with curiosity to know what aggravated him so much to make him deleted it. And, as with all the questions I’m dying to know the answers to, this one will too remain open.

... 137

2011-11-06T16:32:00.000+02:00

Jugging by the comments of the survivors on the IAMX FB wall the Prague show last night (yeah, the one I jabber about for the past couple of weeks to the degree of utter annoyance) has been a real mayhem. Reminds me of my own experience with Prague fans at the NIN gig in 2007 when I managed to keep my front row spot for about six songs and then I had to literary run away from there because heavy bruises were the least I was risking to end up with. So I guess I am lucky to have been not able to go. It’s a minor relief but it’ll do for the time being. I didn’t have the time to learn the lyrics anyway. But next time…next time I will make sure not to miss a thing. Ah, hope is a wonderful thing.

... 136

2011-11-05T15:09:00.002+02:00

What does it take to bring a band in your home country?

There it happened again-I left my first ever comment on IAMX’s FB wall and absolutely no one has posted after it so for the past 3 hours my words are stuck on the top of the page. I like that.

... 135

2011-11-05T06:44:00.002+02:00

Witnessing the birth of a new day. Will it bring anything at all? Like something to make me smile? I hope. I have nothing to lose anyway.

... 134

2011-11-04T18:24:00.001+02:00

One of those looks-awful-at-the-start-but-ends-up-quite-good days. TR’s profile is back online, I have again my cable TV and internet connection (oh, how much I missed you last night!), I managed to finish all the tasks I had for today (I’m dead tired now, of course but who cares?). As if all in all it has been a lucky day but why am I not feeling lucky? Because I couldn’t care less about the important and I couldn’t care more about the unimportant. More than anything I wanted to be in Prague but I’m not and nothing can make up for that.

I want a different life. One in which beauty happens for real.

... 133

2011-11-01T07:54:00.003+02:00

Apparently TR has deleted his FB account. I hate it when he does that. Why was it necessary? He never used it anyway but still it gave some imaginary sense of friendship. Yeah, I know that’s silly.

... 132

2011-10-30T13:32:00.003+02:00

OK, fun’s over. Today I care and, as usual, it hurts. Today I don't feel much like living.

... 131

2011-10-30T10:09:00.002+02:00

I’m insanely mad at myself for being so shy and for keeping myself in isolation for so long that it has become natural and comfortable. I’ve always said I didn’t need many friends, that those I had were just the right number but no, the number is far from right. If I had more friends then maybe at least one of them would’ve agreed to join me and come to Prague with me. But I seemed to have acted like the Ice queen and now I get what I apparently deserve-loneliness. Not solitude but loneliness.

Once again I show up at the station just to see my train leaving without me. Oh, come on! Tell me what to do and I will. I need a clue where to begin from…taken it’s not too late. Yeah, such a loser I am.

* * *

I really know nothing about life. OK, maybe not nothing at all-just enough to be reluctant to know more, enough to know it’s not my cup of tea. What to other people seems to come naturally brings me frustration and enormous stress and I feel like an imposter trying to crash a party on someone else’s invitation. There has to be somewhere I belong to, there must be other people feeling like I do. I’m sick to my bones with hiding, with making way for others to walk on the sunny side of the street while I end up in the shadows.

I’m running out of time. I can’t afford to waste any of it and yet that’s exactly what I keep doing. Pathetic. Sure I’m to blame…but why didn’t anybody bother to stop me? why didn’t anyone care to warn me?

... 130

2011-10-29T18:43:00.004+03:00

“Nothing can stop me now

‘ cause I don’t care anymore”

It’s invigoratingly liberating not to give a fuck. Same outcome with much less emotional baggage for me to carry home. It’s easier to travel light; especially if you have no clue what so ever where you’re heading to. I hope it’s some place nice, some place where I’d feel like belonging. I know there is such a place. There has to be or else what's the point?

Right now a miracle would come in very handy. Even a minor one would do.

... 129

2011-10-29T07:52:00.001+03:00

It just occurred to me that IAMX is my first music obsession that is not despair-, anger-, angst- or bitterness-related. It’s purely pleasure- and beauty-based. I’d call that an upgrade.

... 128

2011-10-29T07:30:00.002+03:00

The sunny side of the street is closed due to winter.

... 127

2011-10-29T07:20:00.005+03:00

Oh, fuck. the IAMX gig in Prague scheduled for Nov 5^th turns out to be their last in Europe for, what was the expression…ah, for the foreseeable future. Last chance so to speak. Last and 100 % impossible to take. I have a friend who’d be thrilled to go with me but she wouldn’t be willing to spend so much money on a few hours of excitement and she wouldn’t accept me to pay for her. A dead-end situation.

This is not going to be one of the good days.

Stupid, huh? To grumble over a gig I can’t go to when there are so many allegedly much more important matters to grumble over. I don’t have words to tell how much realities of life disgust me. My dreams are all I have. So what if they are not real? So what if they seem immature? Happiness is found is peculiar places-I don’t have to excuse myself for anything before anyone. I just need to have my share of happiness. What’s the point of living without happiness?

... 126

2011-10-28T18:00:00.002+03:00

Against all logic throughout the whole day I had a strong feeling something great I was not yet aware of was just about to take place. It didn’t but still the expectation alone felt great. A good feeling is all I can count on. There’s always tomorrow.

... 125

2011-10-27T09:41:00.002+03:00

I’m absolutely dying to go to an IAMX gig and the technical part is easily done-I only have to book a flight. The trouble is I don’t want to be there alone. If I were some 10 years younger that wouldn’t have bothered me but I’m 38 and though my enthusiasm, social entanglement liberty and immature frame of mind take a few years off my appearance I can no longer pass for a 20 to 30 female and my ego, although already trained to overcome bruises without bleeding, will suffer a terrible beating if I have to survive a crowd of young and beautiful fans without the moral support of a friend. Damn.

... 124

2011-10-23T19:16:00.002+03:00

I really hope it’s just the winter…'cause right now as if nothing matters, nothing at all. Emptiness.

... 123

2011-10-15T19:43:00.000+03:00

I can’t fucking believe that I have foolishly wasted the most crucial and exciting part of my destined time trying to figure out the meaning of life when the answer is shamefully simple: the meaning of life is above all living it.

... 122

2011-10-15T10:34:00.000+03:00

When I woke up this morning it was still so dark outside I could fool myself Friday was yet to be over. And then, in the blink of an eye, the shades gave way to sharper outlines and what seemed like the jaw of a block-size monster appeared as a line of windows on the building across the street. Nothing should be taken at its face value. It is always worth giving the light an extra time to be shed. You could end up terribly disappointed or wonderfully surprised but you’ll never know the truth unless you give it a try.

... 121

2011-10-13T14:58:00.003+03:00

Perfect, simply perfect:

... 120

2011-10-09T09:14:00.005+03:00

What is it with Bulgarian men?! I already came to terms with my status of a single woman and if I still keep on checking the market now and then I do it out of pure curiosity and mere habit. The situation seems to be more than beyond all hope-it looks scary. If the supply reflects the demand then the requirements of women around here must have moved to the basement. Almost every man I lay my eyes on possesses the charm of a 5^th generation redneck and the exquisiteness of a bulldozer. It’s not a question of shallow pretentiousness-such physical features come with manners and a temper to match (not to mention the blown out of proportions ego). Hey, I realize a relationship without compromises would end before it has even started and turning a blind eye to someone’s imperfections is not only necessary but fair as well-thus you not only acknowledge the other one’s positive qualities but also show gratitude to the other person for overlooking your own imperfections in return.

Turning a blind eye is something I have proved to be very good at (am I the last one to believe in the virtue of humbleness?) but shutting all your senses off is no longer a compromise-it’s a complete surrender to someone who does not deserve even the consideration of such a sacrifice and is a disrespect to your own self.

I do believe there is life on other planets-with that vast amount of space and stars and planets orbiting them that come in a number exceeding the limitations of human imagination there just has to be life somewhere out there. Given that it is only logical that there has to be someone walking this Earth at that very instant who is right for me. But, as in the above case, the discovery is unlikely to be made in my lifetime.

It is not my intention to pass the blame onto someone. I’m not accusing-just observing. Love is a wonderful thing but, as experience shows, you don’t die of a broken heart. Unfortunately.

... 119

2011-10-02T17:33:00.002+03:00

Doesn’t everyone want to be happy? I’m sure it is so. Then why is it so hard to reach an understanding? What if happiness is in a limited supply and it is just not enough for all people to be happy at one and the same time?

... 118

2011-10-01T17:26:00.000+03:00

Some of my Blogger profile’s visits come from people looking for ”something I can never have”. Well, doesn’t everybody? Sorry, that is not the place to find it. Sometimes I wonder if I ever knew what I wanted in the first place for I surely did well at forgetting what it was. Not due to its improbability but because what I want now (or at least what I think I want now) can not be taken-it can be only given away.

... 117

2011-10-01T16:32:00.000+03:00

Just recently and by accident I learnt that my avatar was not just a picture of a mourning angel but it went under a specific description: the blue angel of grief. And as long as (according to Wikipedia and since the subject is of no vital importance I can afford to trust the information) the avatar is “ the graphical representation of the user or the user’s alter ego or character” I don’t think I’ll be looking for a new one anytime soon.

... 116

2011-09-29T07:46:00.002+03:00

“It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind ”

True…alas! But doing the right thing always means to choose the harder way.

... 115

2011-09-25T07:07:00.000+03:00

Go easier with remorse, avoid regret, speak the truth, mind everyone around, express affection, fight fear, keep the smile.

It shouldn’t be so hard to pull it off.

Is it?

... 114

2011-09-23T17:56:00.001+03:00

“and now I can't tell the difference
don't know what to feel
between what I've been trying so hard to see
and what appears to be real.”

Huh, OK… Yesterday I beat myself up for my immature, irrational and by all means already unforgivable dwelling in the land of dreams. How am I supposed to have a normal life while I walk in the clouds while everybody else walks firmly on the ground? Is clinging to the idea of the unreal really holding me back, depriving me of a life I might’ve otherwise enjoyed? Or am I just keeping myself busy with the B-plan until all is set for the A-plan? Like driving a second-hand car until you save enough for a better one? OK, enough with car allusions.

Possible; anything is possible. That’s the strange thing about life-no one knows the answers in advance. But take dreams out of the picture and what does that leave you with? Is a car a dream? Is new furniture set a dream? Is a bigger salary a dream? No. Other words come to mind-goal, improvement, ambition, achievement…but not the “d” word. That word is preserved for the realm of the intangible and elusive, for the world where “precious” means not “pricey” but “priceless” and where the little things make a great difference; it exists in the place where the reason ends and the heart begins. To value not the gift but the consideration, to mind not the words but their meaning, to see beyond what’s visible, to give without being asked, to receive with gratitude, to spot the shiny grains of wonder in the sand of routine. Whatever keeps your spirit alive has to be good because without it life is merely a passage of time between birth and death.

... 113

2011-09-23T09:08:00.002+03:00

My best friend finally responded with a few words telling she’s out of town, “xoxoxo”. Err, OK, umm… It’s good to know I’m still on the list of her friends; it’s more than good-it’s a relief. But I’ll have to keep it a secret how her silence made me feel, the agony it put me through. Because it’s not her fault I am overly sensitive, it’s not her business to know that silence to me is a death sentence. Why this fear of abandonment? Where did it come from? Why do I always have to be assured I am worthy of friendship and love or else I fall apart?

My father used to give me the silent treatment in my teenage years. That was his method of punishment-evident disregard, silence that shouts “You don’t exist for me! ”-as I was an empty space. That was his way to protect his authority whenever I dared to express an opinion contradicting his. He probably didn’t know how to communicate with me. I don’t he hated me-he just wasn’t aware of the consequences of what he was doing. I think it was then that I went silent about what was going inside my mind-it felt safer that way. I must have missed the right moment to stop. And my father missed the right moment to start talking.

OK, let’s say I know how I got here. How is that of help?

... 112

2011-09-22T18:14:00.002+03:00

You know that despair of a wild animal locked up in a cage alone and away from everything once loved, without exit, without hope? You don’t? Lucky you. That’s why I love dogs-you love them, they love you back. It’s simple with dogs. Nothing like the mess humans make.

I need someone to tell me everything’s going to be alright. I need someone to tell me how to make it alright.

... 111

2011-09-22T13:50:00.004+03:00

My best friend wouldn’t talk to me and I have no idea why. Was it something I did or said? I have no clue what so ever if it has anything to do with me. I sent her a couple of text messages already but so far there’s no reply. I can’t afford to lose her. I don’t mind getting what I deserve but I also deserve to at least know why.

What a fucked up day.
What a beautiful lie.

... 110

2011-09-21T16:29:00.000+03:00

“It all happens for a reason.” Really? Ah, but here’s the tricky part-no one has ever said the reason has to lead to something good.

... 109

2011-09-21T14:41:00.001+03:00

Why do I always come just in time to see my "train" leave? Twisted timing with a touch of wicked irony; the ultimate punishment- crime realized, no appeal.

... 108

2011-09-20T16:35:00.003+03:00

Oops. Depression alert. Not out of the blue, of course. On the contrary-there were already a day of laughter and a day of rest so this one comes as scheduled.

It’s just that I never got used to this.

It’ll pass. I only have to wait. What other choice do I have anyway?

Some tears and then some more but who’s counting?

The hell with everything, you know? Today it’s my turn to be a mess.

As if it makes any difference…

... 107

2011-09-20T09:04:00.002+03:00

I must have listened to that song at least a thousand times and yet each next time feels like the first time. It’s a mystery.

... 106

2011-09-19T08:59:00.002+03:00

The one thing I truly long for costs nothing and means everything. That’s the definition for “priceless”.

... 105

2011-09-18T21:02:00.004+03:00

As if a good spell was just broken and clouds cast a shadow on the sunny side of life. The awakening. I knew it was coming. It always comes back. I’m tired of fighting it on my own.

... 104

2011-09-18T20:06:00.004+03:00

Each survived day feels like a victory.

... 103

2011-09-18T19:35:00.001+03:00

To have your illusions crushed is much better than to have your time wasted in waiting for something that has never meant to be in the first place. When truth hits you right in the face it hurts a bit…or more but then you dust yourself up and move on to the next beautiful dream; and who knows-this time you might reach it. But wasted time…you’re never getting it back.

Answers…I’d like to have one or two. Where does patience end and stubbornness begin?

... 102

2011-09-18T08:48:00.001+03:00

Last night my wish the day never to end got carried bit too far and way beyond-I couldn’t fall asleep until 2 am. And I wonder if it was really I that inflicted it on me? Can I really command myself how to feel? If so then I’m obliged to use that power.

... 101

2011-09-17T19:45:00.000+03:00

I don’t want to let today go-it was too perfect a day to let it end. There’s only one thing that can make it even more perfect but…ah, I’m already grateful for everything I got today. I felt at home in my own life. Never say never… It’s good to end a perfect day hoping that your future has in store even better ones.

... 100

2011-09-17T08:10:00.002+03:00

Happy name day to me. Isn’t it ironic that my name means “faith”? But then again I do believe-in goodness and compassion, in tolerance and empathy, in beauty and magic and sparks. I do believe the world can be a better place…if only all people believe in that too.

I hope to finally get to feel at home in my own life someday. The latter I don’t believe but it feels so good to fantasize about it.

... 99

2011-09-17T07:45:00.004+03:00

9 pm last night. I was walking home after a mild and rather ceremonial celebration to mark the end of a dreadful week. Sometimes you feel so worn out that your sense of reality takes a day off too…which is not necessarily bad; it makes even trivial look new. The setting felt so surreal-to be amidst people and yet alone with my thoughts while “Still” gently caressed my ears; as if I could walk to the edge of the earth. A moment perfect in its fleetingness.

... 98

2011-09-07T18:12:00.000+03:00

Today was a good day. My work was recognized, I felt accomplished. Tomorrow…there’s a lot of time until tomorrow and there’s no use in wasting any of it speculating what could or should tomorrow be like. Right now I feel good and that’s all that matters.

Today was a good day.

... 97

2011-09-05T15:00:00.000+03:00

What the fuck happens to me? I break down over nothing, over anything. Could it be that loneliness affects me more, much more that is than I realize and am ready to confess? It very well could.

I got myself in quite a situation: failed to overcome the need of a relationship but already incapable to carry out one. And I know why: because I’m the mind of a teenage girl still free to flirt with the idea of a perfect future trapped inside the body of an imminently soon-to-be middle-aged woman who is expected to be already clear about the realities of life. Catch 22.

“Try to laugh about it now but isn't it funny how everything works out ("i guess the jokes on me" she said)”

... 96

2011-09-05T13:44:00.000+03:00

I’d like to believe that yesterday I reached the lowest point. Thus the only way left will be the way up. Does that count for positive approach? I really don’t see how it differs from delusion. But then again everything starts within the mind.

Starting something is easy. Bringing it to an end however is a whole different story.

Susan and DEATH

2011-09-04T18:30:00.000+03:00

"All right," said Susan. "I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need... fantasies to make life bearable."

REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.

"Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little—"

YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.

"So we can believe the big ones?"

YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.

"They're not the same at all!"

YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET—Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME... SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.

"Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point—"

MY POINT EXACTLY."
— Terry Pratchett (Hogfather)

It’s encouraging to know someone else thinks what you think. Of course Sir Terry says is much better.

... 95

2011-09-04T16:07:00.000+03:00

It is at moments as this one that I miss my Vincent desperately. He was the sweetest soul; irreplaceable.

... 94

2011-09-01T07:44:00.000+03:00

Something I had put some hope into fell into useless pieces yesterday. That’s good. Now I’m wasting no more time on it. Life’s too short for wallowing in self-pity. At least the enjoyable part of life is. Just like summer it ends before you know it.

... 93

2011-08-30T07:40:00.003+03:00

Oh, that fleeting sensation when the future is still wide open for wishful modification…it’s a wonderful feeling to hold the pen that writes down your own story.

I hope today is going to be a day of inspiration.

... 92

2011-08-29T18:59:00.002+03:00

My day began with a rough wet kiss by a Caucasian shepherd while a Chiwawa (the tiniest I’ve seen) was dancing at my feet. A pet lover’s paradise. It kept me smiling right until noon. And afterwards…ah, what else can be expected from a Monday. I need a pet.

... 91

2011-08-28T21:37:00.000+03:00

I should probably avoid romantic movies. Oh, sure, it feels really good to exchange a couple of hours of my reality for an alternative one (not to mention the better script and cast) but coming back to planet Earth always has the sobering effect of a cold shower. And besides if (don’t you just love the sound of it? “ifff”, like a sigh) someone, umm let’s say, decides to impress me with a romantic move (improbable but…whatever) I won’t probably even notice because it will lack the corresponding soundtrack.

Hmm…but then again I’ve never liked sentimental scores.

... 90

2011-08-28T19:16:00.002+03:00

I did something I’m not proud of but I was forgiven. And there wasn’t even a touch of anger in the subsequent response. Just forgiveness. Why?

Now that I think of it I do the same, usually by simply pretending nothing’s happened but the design for vengeance is completely out of my picture. Revenge, even when it comes disguised as nagging, is probably the stupidest ego-driven waste of potential…alas so dear to many. I guess I was simply very surprised to see someone else sharing the same moral principle.

... 89

2011-08-27T18:47:00.000+03:00

That is not uncommon for me. Disturbance in the force that is. One would think that with such an experience I should’ve learned by now to maneuver elegantly out to safe shores instead of proceeding against any logic and ending up a wreck each time. Am I deprived of any self-preservation instinct? Not entirely impossible but hardly that would be the reason why I prefer to read the sign as I wish rather than as they say. What’s the use of a truth that makes you miserable? Truth is a closure; turning a blind eye is more merciful in nature allowing the hope the end is yet to be reached to remain alive.

... 88

2011-08-27T13:42:00.002+03:00

Yesterday had that fluke-ish, one in a million vibe right from the very start that resonated throughout the whole day. Now I realize it has been the high tide and, as it was to be expected, the low tide didn’t miss to follow and ask for the bill. Sooner or later you pay for everything.

... 87

2011-08-26T19:33:00.003+03:00

Today at the café a couple of guys were passionately discussing…Bjork’s music. It’s not something you hear every day. Likeness in music tastes is hell of a good first impression. “Opposites attract” has never sounded plausible to me. Otherwise “irreconcilable differences” wouldn’t have been one of the top reasons for divorce.

... 86

2011-08-25T18:15:00.001+03:00

Did you know that Facebook help center provides an answer to the question “How do I help someone who has posted suicidal content on the site?” I didn’t but today that was one of the suggested topics I got while looking for something completely different.

I wonder if I were determined to finish myself off would I bother to announce it? But I can understand why some would give it a shot and squeeze the last drop of hope that a reason to go on with living might come to the rescue at the last second Hollywood style. It’s melodramatic but then again we all would like to think we write our own scripts and no one would run away from a happy ending.

But that could also backfire. Imagine you’re on the edge-do I do it? do I not? You manifest your confusion as an invitation to any helping hand that would reach out and drag you out of your very own private hell but all you get in response is we-couldn’t-care-less silence. That would help you make up your mind wouldn’t it?

Scratching the wound alleviates the itching. You just need to know where to stop.

... 85

2011-08-21T16:55:00.002+03:00

I refuse to grow up-as if what I still like about myself will be lost if I do and I’ll be assimilated for good by a world whose ways I so much despise.

I realize how unreasonable that is, I know it works against me but I’d rather wait in vain for magic and keep my hope alive than to accept the fact there’s no magic in the first place.

"Perfect little dream"

2011-08-20T10:45:00.000+03:00

That particular performance classifies as probably my most special moment to date. I can only hope I am still to experience something that would top it. The video is shot from an angle different from where I stood-glued to the rail a bit on the right, on Aaron’s side, stunned and paralyzed by total disbelief such happiness was possible. Kurt and Barbra were next to me and when I met them again in Vienna a few days later they told me something so bizarre that it still bugs me 4 years later.

And tears, so many happy tears.

Everything's blue...

2011-08-18T07:42:00.000+03:00

...in this world...

... 84

2011-08-15T08:09:00.000+03:00

Monday. The mere thought sickens me as if I’m about to donate blood. Oh well. After all I have to survive just 9 hours out of 24. It doesn’t sound that disastrous when you put it that way does it? That leaves me with whole 15 hours to come up with a better way to spend the rest of my life.

... 83

2011-08-13T08:01:00.002+03:00

Freedom is not unconditional. One has to prove oneself worthy of it.

... 82

2011-08-12T08:40:00.001+03:00

In someone’s blog I read smoking was about procrastination. It’s true. I light up a cigarette hoping that by the time only a butt is left of it the world will make more sense. It never does but at least with time the disappointment became less and less harmful-probably because it was no surprise. It’s idealistic to think the world is due to change-that’s a beautiful dream but still just a dream. The only way to keep a clean vision on life in its entirety without losing your sanity is if you’re totally (should I say mercifully) deprived of any sensitivity at all. For everyone else less lucky a certain level of delusion is of an essential necessity. “The blind have been blessed with security”.

... 81

2011-08-07T13:48:00.003+03:00

Things aren't as pretty

on the inside

That would make a good blog title too.

... 80

2011-08-06T20:02:00.000+03:00

As if everything I do lately turns out wrong.

I need a vacation-a permanent one is the preferable type. It is beyond words the disdain (not to mention disgust) I feel towards anything of a mundane nature. And I must think of getting a new job. A solitary one-I’m an introvert and after decades of fighting who I am it is about time to accept the truth. I can bear interacting with other people but only within certain limits.

I’m so not happy with my life.

... 79

2011-07-31T18:15:00.000+03:00

Can’t shake off the presentiment of something wonderful about to happen. Not that I’m trying hard :) My exhilaration is already a wonderful thing by itself.

... 78

2011-07-18T08:02:00.001+03:00

Last night I couldn’t wait for Monday to come. The sooner the work week starts the sooner it’ll end. Oh, hell, it’s almost 8 AM! I’ll be one very happy hippy at 5 PM today. I guess that’s how it’s done - a day to day survival.

... 77

2011-07-17T10:53:00.000+03:00

I got promoted, against my will in a way. My friends are happy for me and tell me I’ll do great but I’m just plain dizzy with panic.