The hole goes deep

(Since there’s no way for me to know the truth behind the story I’ll have to go with the story alone)

There’s nothing wrong (or shocking for that matter) in the fact that a renowned and successful man is trying to launch his new (and gorgeous-she’s a real dish) wife’s career; that’s what any devoted husband would do. But (of course, there is a but) when the man in question is Trent Reznor who, as it happens, is…well, was at least, my role model (second) and a sort of imaginary spiritual friend throughout my whole adult life (first) things have no choice but to get personal. For me he was never a rock star or a celebrity. He was someone who knew what it feels like to be stuck in the empty space between reality and dreams; who knew how it feels to realize you don’t belong in the former and never will in the latter; who knew how lonely that feels; who just knew. He knew…and he forgot he was once (although for what probably seemed eternity) there. And that makes me feel…betrayed for now I have to sail that boat alone. And I am jealous as well because I too want to forget. He upgraded from wishful past to perfect present tense. Good for him; really. I once said that if he finds happiness one day then maybe such a day will come for me too. But he finally made it to the surface and already lives happily on his paradise island while I keep on drowning deeper and deeper and the light of sun is just a fading memory. There are no helping hands reaching for me-maybe because I sink in silence and since I keep quiet people assume I’m OK. I’m not OK. I haven’t been OK for decades.

How did that song go? “Happiness and peace of mind were never meant for me”.

I know someone has to draw the short straw. Knowing why I had the “honour” would help…me…or so I think.