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I don't know what to do with my life. It's like an entangled ball of thread and I need to find the loose end, the beginning of it all so that I could unravel it and put it in order. This isn't a new problem, it's as old as it can be but solving it proved to be beyond my limits. Maybe I do need to see a counselor.

But the truth, my truth I mean, is that I see no problem if my mind is ruined beyond repair. And the fact that I don't care if I am OK should be very alarming for me... and it would've been if I cared, and I don't.

But why care about something that cannot be changed? My psychic is fucked and I am miserable in my life but life is hard to begin with and feeling miserable shouldn't exactly come as a surprise for anyone and...

The thing is I never knew any other way. I couldn't possibly pinpoint exactly when the seed of guilt was planted, or when it was that I started to think I wasn't good enough, or when it was that I started to fear my father more than I loved him, or the moment trust was replaced with insecurity.

Can childhood traumas be reversed for real? Is it really possible to overcome childhood damages as if they have never been at all? What if counseling only provides you with a really thick rug you can sweep your problems under and pretend they're gone?

I know I have a trust issue and that's far more serious than that short phrase suggests. It is why I've never been able to form a close relationship with any man (apart from that one catastrophic attempt). To put it simply, I never trusted anyone to let him closer. In a way solitude chose me. Maybe I should've fought back, maybe I let it win because it seemed a safe option...more safe than an option.

I have no idea what to do with my life. But there's no drama, you know.