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There are no colors where I am now. It's pitch black. This is how despair looks like - it consumes everything and leaves you with nothing. Fucking déjà vu.

This too shall pass? Please. Empty promises of the future can not make the present hurt less.

But there are side effects. This week I was on my worst temper, as if I was possessed by something evil. I feel helpless. I AM helpless to change anything and this helplessness leads to aimless hostility, intolerance and irritability. I am usually in perfect control of these feelings but now my shield is down and everything is out in the open. The mere presence of people around - laughing, posing, chatting their little chatter - makes me snap.  This can not end good.

"I'd like to stay
but every day
everything pushes me further away
If you could show
help me to know
how it's supposed to be
and where did it go"