... 46

One would think….should I say hope; but that word is so wrong now that the time for hope has irretrievably elapsed…So one would think that the distance of time would numb the pain away. And it does…even more than that. It numbs your entire. My mind is empty. My heart is empty. With the threat of loss how do people dare to love at all?

... 45

Vincent has to be put down. There’s no other way. I’m a complete wreck. I barely sleep, I can’t stop crying. I need to fall asleep and wake up half a year later.

... 44

"God never gives you more than you can handle." Really? 'cause I'm just about to fall apart completely.

... 43

A day out of hell. I've been worse but not recently and not that many times. It hurts. I have no idea how to make the pain go away. 

... 42

I have to catch up with a lot of correspondence but personal letters are unlike work reports-they require emotional attendance, some time for adjusting my frequencies to the other party’s mindset, peace and creativity-friendly setting-all of it unavailable during work hours. However trying to write a sensible reply after a standard day at the office bears the same chances for success as a snapshot of me would have if taken when all the weariness and disappointment from the day has already moulded my face into an embodiment of despair-it has the right shape but the meaning is aloof.

***

My ego has taken so many beats that it has not a single bone left-it’s all bruises now. Do I have “Abuse me” imprinted on my forehead? I must have because lately people wait in line for their turn to kick me. And I remain cool as if nothing happened. And while to the almost the entire world such a demeanour is an example of weakness that is not how it looks from where I stand. The truth is I’m sick up to my neck with arrogance and aggression and I’d rather kick me myself rather than to go as low as to pour my share of negativity.   

***

I uploaded back “The Fragile” on my mp3 player and already listened to it a few times…after at least a year brake. How many times must I have listened to that album in the past since I still remember not only the words but every tinkle and every sigh as well? Hundreds? Try thousands. It’s still my Nr.1.

Should I be happy I need it again? Or should I fear of what that need speaks of?

***

Quiet. I’m used to quiet.

***

Uploaded two more NIN albums. The person behind disappears again, dissolved by distance and time. Music remains. I hope we’ll get along as fine as we used to.

***