Sunday 29 November 2015

... 497

The premonition-like feelings that I have for quite some time...bits of information that, put together, form a picture that only for can see. It's starting to drive me crazy. 

But there is no picture to be seen. It's just my mind playing tricks on me. The power of thought is a beautiful illusion.

... 496

Winter always brings disturbance in my Force.

... 495

I can't forgive my parents that they became old. I don't mean aging, of course - aging is not a matter of choice, needless to say no one can stop it. But they act and think and talk like old people, which IS a matter of choice and I can't forgive them for making that choice. Not trying to avoid it is simply sloppy.


Is that what awaits me too? I don't think so - of course I don't, but I don't think so at the present moment and I bet my parents haven't expected that they would change that way either. That Voltaire quote is still fresh in my mind: “Doubt is an uncomfortable condition, but certainty is a ridiculous one.”


I couldn't agree more. However, there is one thing I am certain of: I don't want to get old.

I'm not thrilled about aging either.

Friday 27 November 2015

... 494

Sing to me, words sound better with a soundtrack.

Monday 23 November 2015

... 493

“We all look for happiness, but without knowing where to find it: like drunkards who look for their house, knowing dimly that they have one”

- Voltaire

... 492

It’s not like a particular person breaks my heart – the whole mankind breaks my heart, over and over again. This could be the greatest tragic love story ever, as far as scale is concerned at least. And the tragedy is on me so maybe the scale shouldn’t count.

Sunday 22 November 2015

... 491

Nature is in total control today. It's still warm but the wind blowing outside is unbelievably strong, strong enough to toss me around like a dead leaf. With all the bad things happening lately it intensifies the sense of doom even more. But that too shall pass. Remember “The Crow”? “ It can't rain all the time. “ Maybe we should be sad first before it is time to smile again. Such is life. Most of the time you can't choose it, you can only adjust to it.

I don't care what lies I tell my mind as long as they work.

... 490

In the grip of despair I surprised myself and chose the light. Godspeed!

Thursday 19 November 2015

... 489

To be bad is to be lazy – because to be good requires efforts. 

... 488

No wonder I choose to seek comfort in music. I don’t think people have anything new to say and of the same old that they keep repeating I’ve had enough already.

Sunday 15 November 2015

... 487

No one visits my blogs...which means that they serve their purpose perfectly - I satisfy the urge to share my thoughts and worries without affecting and irritating the hell out of anyone. Well done.

... 486

I have a poor opinion on humans, and although I never deliberately shove it in people's faces I have never tried to conceal it.

However, I utterly hate to see it confirmed. If I were to be proven wrong I would be the happiest person alive.

... 485

I was really worried what reality I'd wake up to today. Such a relief there have been no new attacks over the night.

Saturday 14 November 2015

... 484

Random though aftermath:

- I'm sure it has already occurred to many - that the Paris terror attacks were plotted by people who want to drag France and other European countries into war. Because wars are hugely profitable. The oldest conspiracy theory in the book.

- I can't help thinking that my country, being God forsaken and of no real interest to anyone, is relatively safe. For now, that is. But for how long?

- Today of all days I couldn't care less about the calories in my chocolate cake. Nor do I worry about the number of cigarettes that I will smoke today. Is that a shallow thought? Only on the surface. The point is that tomorrow may not come, not for everyone at least. Turn on the TV and see for yourself.


... 483

I think of all the people around me that were desperate to have children and now they do. And I can't help thinking about that quote from "Husbands and wives", Gabe's response to Judy's wish to get pregnant and be a mother: "It's cruel to bring life into this terrible world."
It is.

Selfish people.

... 482

Go on, plan a life, plan a future. And one day some brainwashed lunatic comes along and blows you to smithereens. You respond to violence with violence the answer to which is even more violence. And more. And more. How do you break this vicious circle? It's like an avalanche that can't be stopped. How do you deal with madness in a civilized way? Is that even possible?

I was on the metro a couple of hours ago. And the whole time I couldn't help thinking "What if it explodes right now?" As of today that is a possibility not so unimaginable.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. Not exactly. But I am afraid of dying slowly and painfully. 

Tuesday 10 November 2015

... 481


Sunday 8 November 2015

... 480

In a month and a half it will be five years since Vincent died. I thought time would make the pain go away. It didn't. Maybe broken hearts never heal.

Saturday 7 November 2015

... 479

I don't believe in destiny, no matter how tempting it is to fall for a notion that would relieve me from the burden of responsibility. Just imagine - an almighty force that rules your life and is behind your every high and low. You can't control it, it controls you. It couldn't get any more convenient than that, could it?


But...isn't that the way religious people think of “God”?


“Everything happens for a reason” is a popular saying. And it was precisely failing to see the reason behind misery what made me drop the agnostic bullshit altogether and join the team of atheists.


Do I know for certain that there is no God? Of course not. Does anyone know for certain there IS God? Of course not. And that's my point. Until someone produces as solid, I repeat - solid, and unquestionable proof for either it is up to each person alone to make up one’s own mind on the matter. Clearly it should be an informed decision which, even more clearly, requires a certain amount of accumulated experience and commonsense. Perhaps a minimum age should be set on questions of religion the same way there is a minimum age for driving, smoking, sex, voting, etc. My point is that demanding of a child to commit to religious beliefs of your own choice equals brainwashing.

I am an atheist. I'm neither proud nor ashamed of that the same way I’m neither proud nor ashamed of being a female, Caucasian, Bulgarian, ex-bulimic, 40+, single, etc. All of these are facts and I consider each to be equally important/unimportant. I wish more people felt that way.

Sunday 1 November 2015

... 478

One day, if you're lucky enough, you might experience the awakening that your ego doesn't belong at the top of your list of priorities - an unfortunately wide-spread misconception.