... 93

Oh, that fleeting sensation when the future is still wide open for wishful modification…it’s a wonderful feeling to hold the pen that writes down your own story.

I hope today is going to be a day of inspiration.

... 92

My day began with a rough wet kiss by a Caucasian shepherd while a Chiwawa (the tiniest I’ve seen) was dancing at my feet. A pet lover’s paradise. It kept me smiling right until noon. And afterwards…ah, what else can be expected from a Monday. I need a pet.

... 91

I should probably avoid romantic movies. Oh, sure, it feels really good to exchange a couple of hours of my reality for an alternative one (not to mention the better script and cast) but coming back to planet Earth always has the sobering effect of a cold shower. And besides if (don’t you just love the sound of it? “ifff”, like a sigh) someone, umm let’s say, decides to impress me with a romantic move (improbable but…whatever) I won’t probably even notice because it will lack the corresponding soundtrack.

Hmm…but then again I’ve never liked sentimental scores.

... 90

I did something I’m not proud of but I was forgiven. And there wasn’t even a touch of anger in the subsequent response. Just forgiveness. Why?

Now that I think of it I do the same, usually by simply pretending nothing’s happened but the design for vengeance is completely out of my picture. Revenge, even when it comes disguised as nagging, is probably the stupidest ego-driven waste of potential…alas so dear to many. I guess I was simply very surprised to see someone else sharing the same moral principle.

... 89

That is not uncommon for me. Disturbance in the force that is. One would think that with such an experience I should’ve learned by now to maneuver elegantly out to safe shores instead of proceeding against any logic and ending up a wreck each time. Am I deprived of any self-preservation instinct? Not entirely impossible but hardly that would be the reason why I prefer to read the sign as I wish rather than as they say. What’s the use of a truth that makes you miserable? Truth is a closure; turning a blind eye is more merciful in nature allowing the hope the end is yet to be reached to remain alive.

... 88

Yesterday had that fluke-ish, one in a million vibe right from the very start that resonated throughout the whole day. Now I realize it has been the high tide and, as it was to be expected, the low tide didn’t miss to follow and ask for the bill. Sooner or later you pay for everything.

... 87

Today at the café a couple of guys were passionately discussing…Bjork’s music. It’s not something you hear every day. Likeness in music tastes is hell of a good first impression. “Opposites attract” has never sounded plausible to me. Otherwise “irreconcilable differences” wouldn’t have been one of the top reasons for divorce.

... 86

Did you know that Facebook help center provides an answer to the question “How do I help someone who has posted suicidal content on the site?” I didn’t but today that was one of the suggested topics I got while looking for something completely different.

I wonder if I were determined to finish myself off would I bother to announce it? But I can understand why some would give it a shot and squeeze the last drop of hope that a reason to go on with living might come to the rescue at the last second Hollywood style. It’s melodramatic but then again we all would like to think we write our own scripts and no one would run away from a happy ending.

But that could also backfire. Imagine you’re on the edge-do I do it? do I not? You manifest your confusion as an invitation to any helping hand that would reach out and drag you out of your very own private hell but all you get in response is we-couldn’t-care-less silence. That would help you make up your mind wouldn’t it?

Scratching the wound alleviates the itching. You just need to know where to stop.

... 85

I refuse to grow up-as if what I still like about myself will be lost if I do and I’ll be assimilated for good by a world whose ways I so much despise.

I realize how unreasonable that is, I know it works against me but I’d rather wait in vain for magic and keep my hope alive than to accept the fact there’s no magic in the first place.

"Perfect little dream"

That particular performance classifies as probably my most special moment to date. I can only hope I am still to experience something that would top it. The video is shot from an angle different from where I stood-glued to the rail a bit on the right, on Aaron’s side, stunned and paralyzed by total disbelief such happiness was possible. Kurt and Barbra were next to me and when I met them again in Vienna a few days later they told me something so bizarre that it still bugs me 4 years later.

And tears, so many happy tears.

Everything's blue...

...in this world...

... 84

Monday. The mere thought sickens me as if I’m about to donate blood. Oh well. After all I have to survive just 9 hours out of 24. It doesn’t sound that disastrous when you put it that way does it? That leaves me with whole 15 hours to come up with a better way to spend the rest of my life.

... 83

Freedom is not unconditional. One has to prove oneself worthy of it.

... 82

In someone’s blog I read smoking was about procrastination. It’s true. I light up a cigarette hoping that by the time only a butt is left of it the world will make more sense. It never does but at least with time the disappointment became less and less harmful-probably because it was no surprise. It’s idealistic to think the world is due to change-that’s a beautiful dream but still just a dream. The only way to keep a clean vision on life in its entirety without losing your sanity is if you’re totally (should I say mercifully) deprived of any sensitivity at all. For everyone else less lucky a certain level of delusion is of an essential necessity. “The blind have been blessed with security”.

... 81

Things aren't as pretty 

on the inside

That would make a good blog title too.

... 80

As if everything I do lately turns out wrong.

I need a vacation-a permanent one is the preferable type. It is beyond words the disdain (not to mention disgust) I feel towards anything of a mundane nature. And I must think of getting a new job. A solitary one-I’m an introvert and after decades of fighting who I am it is about time to accept the truth. I can bear interacting with other people but only within certain limits.

I’m so not happy with my life.