... 523

What a week! Not literally, no. But there's a full moon and it messes with my head giving me unbelievably vivid and purringly pleasurable dreams. As a rule my dreams at night come and go leaving not a single trace of memory but not this week, this week they felt realer than the real thing, a complete wow-effect. My everyday life is as dull as always but in my sleep I'm having the time of my life. Makes me wish I could hibernate and sleep for half a year. I can't wait for the next full moon. There is no stopping me when I'm asleep-maybe it isn't that impossible to do it when I'm awake?

... 522

Everyday I listen to people whine around me about this and that and I wonder: do other people have more problems than I do? Or maybe where others see problems they feel compelled to talk about I only see temporary discomforts too insignificant to be worthy of acknowledgement even in my mind, let alone voice them?

I'll spare you the suspense: it's the latter. 

Do people ever really grow up or do they just grow older?

... 521

You can’t demand affection. You’re in control of only what you give, not what is given to you.

... 520

I would say that I'm a kind person.

But what is my kind personality good for when I am still alone?

And I can't help wondering: would I still be kind if I were to be with someone who is not The One? Am I kind because I am alone? Am I alone because I am too selective? Am I too selective because I can't fail to compromise? 

... 519

Hey, Universe, do you hear me? Give a little love, OK? Let love rule today. Thank you.

And the Universe couldn't care less.

... 518

Parenthood surely changes people. That is not a theory, nor it is a perceptive assumption. It is a statement backed by direct observation on my friends-become-parents. Interesting, it seems that they can't be filed under more than one category at the same time, as if the moment they become parents they are no longer quite friends.

The smug ones are the scariest. As if becoming parents grants them an upgrade and makes them superior humans, superheros at the very least. They become self-assured to the point of arrogance with zero awareness of that change. And you have to tiptoe around them. Try to throw a hint and that will be the last of them you’ll ever see. With time that feels less and less of a loss.

I will never stop wondering why people want to have offsprings. Of course, I can make a list of possible reasons but the the thing is that I see no logic in any of it.

Which brings me to a conclusion I’ve been suspicious of all along - I am afraid of devotion. And not just afraid - I am terrified. I am terrified to let myself get attached to anyone I could lose eventually. Sometimes happiness comes down to not being hurt. It may not be much but it's more than nothing. Does that make sense? Apparently for me it does.

Am I alone because it is safer?