“buried in a layer of frost”

It’s terribly cold today.

When nature displays its power by holding the world in an ice grip animals put aside whatever grudges there might be between them and nestle against one another to warm. But the weather outside is nothing compared to the freezing hostility of my co-workers.

My soul feels so cold today. I need a hug.

... 171

Maybe my hopes for the future seem within reach because the most that I want from it is not much and costs absolutely nothing. 

... 170

When truth is destructive wouldn’t it be suicidal to stick to it?

... 169

I haven’t listened to IAMX in the last few days because I can’t stop playing TGWTDT soundtrack. To my surprise (a most delightful one) I’m growing quite fond of it. It might be the weather…or it might be the magic making its way back to me.

... 168

I’m not the one I was yesterday and tomorrow I will be different from the one I am today. The question is not about whether “forever” is possible; it is about people wanting it to be possible. The status quo utopia.

... 167

I need just one day when everything will feel right, one day of peace of mind-just to know it's possible. 

... 166

My family is so fucked up-we give animals the love and the mercy we should give to one another.

... 165

Today’s horoscope:

Are you mulling over an important decision — or are you merely procrastinating? Be careful that you don’t get a reputation for being indecisive. Today, grab life by the hand and take it for a whirl! Do something spontaneous that will surprise the folks around you. Prove to them (and to yourself) that you know that sometimes the value of doing something is much higher than the value of thinking about doing something.

What life?; what spontaneity? when it is paralyzingly cold outside, my thoughts freeze and my mind aborts them as futureless a second after conceiving them. And yet I have to go out ‘cause staying at home suffocates the life out of me.

Whenever I don’t hate my father I pity him. I’m not sure which would terrify him more. I wish I could write “will” instead of “would”. Sometimes I fantasize about smashing him with the truth. 

... 164

I wanna go home,
take off this uniform

and leave the show

... 163

... 162

January 1^st is preserved for dreaming-the wilder, the better. If only thoughts could immediately come into action…”oh, what a wonderful world it would be”.

Am I happy? At least I’m not totally unhappy and for the time being that feels almost close to happiness.  I wish I was all the time so cheerful and easy-going as I appear to be in my writings. Sometimes I even happen to believe my own lies and when I do it doesn’t hurt that much to breathe.

... 161

The test was a complete success :))))))))))))) And it is already tomorrow :) That’s quite enough for starters and much more than I hoped for.