... 550

Ever since highschool I feel like an outcast. Why so? Something must have gone wrong at some point and just kept on building ever since. The only time I feel like belonging is when I am at a concert of some of the bands I truly love. It is only then that I'm sure there's nowhere else I want to be but where I am and there's nothing else I want to do but what I am doing. It is only then that I feel complete and alive. The rest of the time I am just faking it.

How do I know which way to go if I don't know where I am?

... 549

In my mind war is something obsolete, something that once was but could never be again, like slavery, silent films or Zeppelins. "So naive, I keep holding on to what I want to believe." Two things are certain - death and that people will never get tired of making the same mistakes over and over again.

To the children I'll never have - you're welcome!

... 548

People, some days you make it so hard for me to love you that I just might stop trying to.

... 547

I don't know what to do with my life. It's like an entangled ball of thread and I need to find the loose end, the beginning of it all so that I could unravel it and put it in order. This isn't a new problem, it's as old as it can be but solving it proved to be beyond my limits. Maybe I do need to see a counselor.

But the truth, my truth I mean, is that I see no problem if my mind is ruined beyond repair. And the fact that I don't care if I am OK should be very alarming for me... and it would've been if I cared, and I don't.

But why care about something that cannot be changed? My psychic is fucked and I am miserable in my life but life is hard to begin with and feeling miserable shouldn't exactly come as a surprise for anyone and...

The thing is I never knew any other way. I couldn't possibly pinpoint exactly when the seed of guilt was planted, or when it was that I started to think I wasn't good enough, or when it was that I started to fear my father more than I loved him, or the moment trust was replaced with insecurity.

Can childhood traumas be reversed for real? Is it really possible to overcome childhood damages as if they have never been at all? What if counseling only provides you with a really thick rug you can sweep your problems under and pretend they're gone?

I know I have a trust issue and that's far more serious than that short phrase suggests. It is why I've never been able to form a close relationship with any man (apart from that one catastrophic attempt). To put it simply, I never trusted anyone to let him closer. In a way solitude chose me. Maybe I should've fought back, maybe I let it win because it seemed a safe option...more safe than an option.

I have no idea what to do with my life. But there's no drama, you know. 

... 546

Life is a joke. The trouble is that no one gets it.

P.S. I didn't say it was a good joke.

BFF *

I'm not sure if I should call DeeDee one of my best friends. Best friends keep in touch more regularly than we do which is to meet once a year (this year we met twice but that doesn't count because she's in the final stage of pregnancy and won't be available for at least a year).

However, in terms of the respect I have for her, how dear she is to me, how much I trust her (totally), the fact that I feel comfortable to confess anything to her no matter how embarrassing, then yes, she is one of the most valuable people in my life.

(She doesn't read this blog so I can freely praise her :) )

Today she told me something that I am still trying to figure out. She said that now I was much more a person of extremes than I've been at the beginning of our friendship. What bugs me is not whether she's right or wrong (I couldn't care less if my imperfections are transparent for her - that's how much I trust her; pity she's not a boy :D ) but how it is possible that the way she sees me could be so different from the way I see myself.

I am anything but a person of extremes. But if I'm wrong about that could I be wrong about everything I think I am?

I could of course.

She also said that I was the most immaterial person she knows, meaning that I don't care to do things that make me feel good.

But I do care. They're just small-scale... except when they're grand and then they're really grand (like whoppingly pricey concert tickets). It's nothing or all.

Hmm, maybe I am a person of extremes after all.

* BFF - Best Friends Forever 

... 545

One of my colleagues has an interest in astrology so keen that she attends astrology classes. My birthday present from her was a horoscope for the year to come. She said many things after reading my chart and one of them was this one "Look, love it or hate it but it is your destiny and your vocation to look after others."

Just splendid. And who's to look after me? Isn't there going to be any balance?

OK, indeed it is in my nature to look after others. I just didn't expect to hear it confirmed from another sourse. In a way it makes it look as if I don't have a choice.