... 317

Today my best friend said to me “You are the kindest person I know.”

Hmm. I wish I agreed.

Why don’t I?

... 316

What did I do to deserve this? Nothing; literally. I did nothing and that’s why I got what I got.

On the other hand, as someone has said, “The best things in life aren’t things.” And if I don’t have the best I’m better off with nothing. Mediocrity is the scarier option. 

... 315

I woke up at 2.30 AM and couldn't fall back to sleep.

On the way to the bus stop I ran into a ghost from the past. It didn't felt good.

At the bus stop I saw a Bolognese-apparently lost, dirty, frightened, confused; It made me feel completely ruined. There was nothing I could do-I had to get on the bus and go to work.

I feel demotivated to smile, to sympathize, to bother. Wherever I turn I see little deaths. Even music doesn't help.

I wonder if the day will get even more fucked up.  Please, don’t take that as a challenge. Today I'm an easy prey.  

... 314

The most fucked up thing about my age is that I’m not allowed to have teenage dreams anymore. It would be considered inappropriate.

... 313

It’s not that I can’t have delusions (any more). But then I walk out into the real world and it proves them wrong without any right of appeal. 

... 312

Maybe Terry Pratchett is right: that people shouldn't get what they (think they) want but what they need instead.

... 311

I’m such a bitch lately. That’s, of course, according to my own moral standards-according to the requirements of the Universal Bitch Code I wouldn’t qualify even for a puppy.

“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” Fool me xxx zillion times-ah, they have to invent a new category for such compulsive turn-the-other-cheek-er like me.  But even I have to draw the line at some point. If people should like me let it be because they like me as I am -not because I am convenient.

... 310

My give-a-fuck-ometer broke down; permanently-if I am lucky.

To lose my sensitivity is not what’s tragic-it’s tragic I no longer think there's something wrong with that. The world of grown ups sucks big time. Can I leave, please?

... 309

I’m waiting for the morning when I’ll wake up and I’ll care for no one and nothing at all. It’s coming.

... 308

I bought me a Mickey Mouse T-shirt…sort of:

It looks brutal and I will probably never dare to wear it in public but I couldn’t resist it; I had to have it. I guess growing up is the one thing I shouldn’t expect to happen to me any time soon. 

... 307

Redefining every day the meaning of despair. How tedious.

I want…money. Not indecently a lot but still enough to quit my job (and the 8am – 5pm shackle for the rest of my life...however long that would be), buy a house with an yard, adopt as many dogs as I can and… That would be all actually. I want to have so much money and not more that will allow me never to have to deal with any authority ever again. Money is freedom.

... 306

I’ll be fine eventually but I’ll never feel the same way about you, my “friend”. A true friendship isn’t supposed to make me feel so insecure. 

... 305

Humans must be freaks of nature-for nowhere in nature such aimless, unnecessary and unfruitful brutality can be observed. There is no evolutionary need for evil. I guess people simply enjoy being bad.
And I am supposed to be one of the humans. It makes me sick. 

A word

Sonja sent me a message after months and months of silence. What she says is not the matter-it’s the act of saying anything at all that matters. And the invisible print says she cares for me now as much as she did a few years ago. I miss her. I hope TR will make up his mind soon about the tour and I will see Sonja somewhere on the road.  

... 304

I have a strange feeling about today. Hopeful in nature-as if I can have anything I want and the only effort I have to do is to ask for it.

Sure, I'll see those hopes go down in flames but so far it feels good.

... 303

There are moments when my whole being becomes a yearning. And then it hurts like hell.

... 302

Sun is shining, birds are singing, by the end of this week the house will finally be entirely on my disposal – what more could I ask for?

A lot more, shamelessly more-but no one’s asking.