... 132

OK, fun’s over. Today I care and, as usual, it hurts. Today I don't feel much like living.

... 131

I’m insanely mad at myself for being so shy and for keeping myself in isolation for so long that it has become natural and comfortable. I’ve always said I didn’t need many friends, that those I had were just the right number but no, the number is far from right. If I had more friends then maybe at least one of them would’ve agreed to join me and come to Prague with me. But I seemed to have acted like the Ice queen and now I get what I apparently deserve-loneliness. Not solitude but loneliness.

Once again I show up at the station just to see my train leaving without me. Oh, come on! Tell me what to do and I will. I need a clue where to begin from…taken it’s not too late. Yeah, such a loser I am.

* * *

I really know nothing about life. OK, maybe not nothing at all-just enough to be reluctant to know more, enough to know it’s not my cup of tea. What to other people seems to come naturally brings me frustration and enormous stress and I feel like an imposter trying to crash a party on someone else’s invitation. There has to be somewhere I belong to, there must be other people feeling like I do. I’m sick to my bones with hiding, with making way for others to walk on the sunny side of the street while I end up in the shadows.

I’m running out of time. I can’t afford to waste any of it and yet that’s exactly what I keep doing. Pathetic. Sure I’m to blame…but why didn’t anybody bother to stop me? why didn’t anyone care to warn me?

... 130

“Nothing can stop me now

‘ cause I don’t care anymore”

It’s invigoratingly liberating not to give a fuck. Same outcome with much less emotional baggage for me to carry home. It’s easier to travel light; especially if you have no clue what so ever where you’re heading to. I hope it’s some place nice, some place where I’d feel like belonging. I know there is such a place. There has to be or else what's the point? 


Right now a miracle would come in very handy. Even a minor one would do.

... 129

It just occurred to me that IAMX is my first music obsession that is not despair-, anger-, angst- or bitterness-related. It’s purely pleasure- and beauty-based. I’d call that an upgrade.

... 128

 The sunny side of the street is closed due to winter.

... 127

Oh, fuck. the IAMX gig in Prague scheduled for Nov 5^th turns out to be their last in Europe for, what was the expression…ah, for the foreseeable future. Last chance so to speak. Last and 100 % impossible to take. I have a friend who’d be thrilled to go with me but she wouldn’t be willing to spend so much money on a few hours of excitement and she wouldn’t accept me to pay for her. A dead-end situation.

This is not going to be one of the good days.

Stupid, huh? To grumble over a gig I can’t go to when there are so many allegedly much more important matters to grumble over. I don’t have words to tell how much realities of life disgust me. My dreams are all I have. So what if they are not real? So what if they seem immature? Happiness is found is peculiar places-I don’t have to excuse myself for anything before anyone. I just need to have my share of happiness. What’s the point of living without happiness?

... 126

Against all logic throughout the whole day I had a strong feeling something great I was not yet aware of was just about to take place. It didn’t but still the expectation alone felt great. A good feeling is all I can count on. There’s always tomorrow.

... 125

I’m absolutely dying to go to an IAMX gig and the technical part is easily done-I only have to book a flight. The trouble is I don’t want to be there alone. If I were some 10 years younger that wouldn’t have bothered me but I’m 38 and though my enthusiasm, social entanglement liberty and immature frame of mind take a few years off my appearance I can no longer pass for a 20 to 30 female and my ego, although already trained to overcome bruises without bleeding, will suffer a terrible beating if I have to survive a crowd of young and beautiful fans without the moral support of a friend. Damn.

... 124

I really hope it’s just the winter…'cause right now as if nothing matters, nothing at all. Emptiness.

... 123

I can’t fucking believe that I have foolishly wasted the most crucial and exciting part of my destined time trying to figure out the meaning of life when the answer is shamefully simple: the meaning of life is above all living it.   

... 122

When I woke up this morning it was still so dark outside I could fool myself Friday was yet to be over. And then, in the blink of an eye, the shades gave way to sharper outlines and what seemed like the jaw of a block-size monster appeared as a line of windows on the building across the street. Nothing should be taken at its face value. It is always worth giving the light an extra time to be shed. You could end up terribly disappointed or wonderfully surprised but you’ll never know the truth unless you give it a try.

... 121

Perfect, simply perfect:

... 120

What is it with Bulgarian men?! I already came to terms with my status of a single woman and if I still keep on checking the market now and then I do it out of pure curiosity and mere habit. The situation seems to be more than beyond all hope-it looks scary. If the supply reflects the demand then the requirements of women around here must have moved to the basement. Almost every man I lay my eyes on possesses the charm of a 5^th generation redneck and the exquisiteness of a bulldozer. It’s not a question of shallow pretentiousness-such physical features come with manners and a temper to match (not to mention the blown out of proportions ego). Hey, I realize a relationship without compromises would end before it has even started and turning a blind eye to someone’s imperfections is not only necessary but fair as well-thus you not only acknowledge the other one’s positive qualities but also show gratitude to the other person for overlooking your own imperfections in return.

Turning a blind eye is something I have proved to be very good at (am I the last one to believe in the virtue of humbleness?) but shutting all your senses off is no longer a compromise-it’s a complete surrender to someone who does not deserve even the consideration of such a sacrifice and is a disrespect to your own self.

I do believe there is life on other planets-with that vast amount of space and stars and planets orbiting them that come in a number exceeding the limitations of human imagination there just has to be life somewhere out there. Given that it is only logical that there has to be someone walking this Earth at that very instant who is right for me. But, as in the above case, the discovery is unlikely to be made in my lifetime.

It is not my intention to pass the blame onto someone. I’m not accusing-just observing. Love is a wonderful thing but, as experience shows, you don’t die of a broken heart. Unfortunately.

... 119

Doesn’t everyone want to be happy? I’m sure it is so. Then why is it so hard to reach an understanding? What if happiness is in a limited supply and it is just not enough for all people to be happy at one and the same time?

... 118

Some of my Blogger profile’s visits come from people looking for ”something I can never have”. Well, doesn’t everybody? Sorry, that is not the place to find it. Sometimes I wonder if I ever knew what I wanted in the first place for I surely did well at forgetting what it was. Not due to its improbability but because what I want now (or at least what I think I want now) can not be taken-it can be only given away.

... 117

Just recently and by accident I learnt that my avatar was not just a picture of a mourning angel but it went under a specific description: the blue angel of grief. And as long as (according to Wikipedia and since the subject is of no vital importance I can afford to trust the information) the avatar is “ the graphical representation of the user or the user’s alter ego or character” I don’t think I’ll be looking for a new one anytime soon.