... 116

“It's so easy to laugh
  It's so easy to hate
  It takes strength to be gentle and kind ”

True…alas! But doing the right thing always means to choose the harder way.

... 115

Go easier with remorse, avoid regret, speak the truth, mind everyone around, express affection, fight fear, keep the smile.

It shouldn’t be so hard to pull it off.

Is it?

... 114

“and now I can't tell the difference
don't know what to feel
between what I've been trying so hard to see
and what appears to be real.”

Huh, OK… Yesterday I beat myself up for my immature, irrational and by all means already unforgivable dwelling in the land of dreams. How am I supposed to have a normal life while I walk in the clouds while everybody else walks firmly on the ground? Is clinging to the idea of the unreal really holding me back, depriving me of a life I might’ve otherwise enjoyed? Or am I just keeping myself busy with the B-plan until all is set for the A-plan? Like driving a second-hand car until you save enough for a better one? OK, enough with car allusions.

Possible; anything is possible. That’s the strange thing about life-no one knows the answers in advance. But take dreams out of the picture and what does that leave you with? Is a car a dream? Is new furniture set a dream? Is a bigger salary a dream? No. Other words come to mind-goal, improvement, ambition, achievement…but not the “d” word. That word is preserved for the realm of the intangible and elusive, for the world where “precious” means not “pricey” but “priceless” and where the little things make a great difference; it exists in the place where the reason ends and the heart begins. To value not the gift but the consideration, to mind not the words but their meaning, to see beyond what’s visible, to give without being asked, to receive with gratitude, to spot the shiny grains of wonder in the sand of routine. Whatever keeps your spirit alive has to be good because without it life is merely a passage of time between birth and death.

... 113

My best friend finally responded with a few words telling she’s out of town, “xoxoxo”. Err, OK, umm… It’s good to know I’m still on the list of her friends; it’s more than good-it’s a relief. But I’ll have to keep it a secret how her silence made me feel, the agony it put me through. Because it’s not her fault I am overly sensitive, it’s not her business to know that silence to me is a death sentence. Why this fear of abandonment? Where did it come from? Why do I always have to be assured I am worthy of friendship and love or else I fall apart?

My father used to give me the silent treatment in my teenage years. That was his method of punishment-evident disregard, silence that shouts “You don’t exist for me! ”-as I was an empty space. That was his way to protect his authority whenever I dared to express an opinion contradicting his. He probably didn’t know how to communicate with me. I don’t he hated me-he just wasn’t aware of the consequences of what he was doing. I think it was then that I went silent about what was going inside my mind-it felt safer that way. I must have missed the right moment to stop. And my father missed the right moment to start talking.

OK, let’s say I know how I got here. How is that of help?

... 112

You know that despair of a wild animal locked up in a cage alone and away from everything once loved, without exit, without hope? You don’t? Lucky you. That’s why I love dogs-you love them, they love you back. It’s simple with dogs. Nothing like the mess humans make.

I need someone to tell me everything’s going to be alright. I need someone to tell me how to make it alright.

... 111

My best friend wouldn’t talk to me and I have no idea why. Was it something I did or said? I have no clue what so ever if it has anything to do with me. I sent her a couple of text messages already but so far there’s no reply. I can’t afford to lose her. I don’t mind getting what I deserve but I also deserve to at least know why.

What a fucked up day.
What a beautiful lie.

... 110

“It all happens for a reason.” Really? Ah, but here’s the tricky part-no one has ever said the reason has to lead to something good.

... 109

Why do I always come just in time to see my "train" leave? Twisted timing with a touch of wicked irony; the ultimate punishment- crime realized, no appeal.

... 108

Oops. Depression alert. Not out of the blue, of course. On the contrary-there were already a day of laughter and a day of rest so this one comes as scheduled.

It’s just that I never got used to this.

It’ll pass. I only have to wait. What other choice do I have anyway?

Some tears and then some more but who’s counting?

The hell with everything, you know? Today it’s my turn to be a mess.

As if it makes any difference…

... 107

I must have listened to that song at least a thousand times and yet each next time feels like the first time. It’s a mystery. 

... 106

The one thing I truly long for costs nothing and means everything. That’s the definition for “priceless”.

... 105

As if a good spell was just broken and clouds cast a shadow on the sunny side of life. The awakening. I knew it was coming. It always comes back. I’m tired of fighting it on my own.

... 104

Each survived day feels like a victory.

... 103

To have your illusions crushed is much better than to have your time wasted in waiting for something that has never meant to be in the first place. When truth hits you right in the face it hurts a bit…or more but then you dust yourself up and move on to the next beautiful dream; and who knows-this time you might reach it. But wasted time…you’re never getting it back.

Answers…I’d like to have one or two. Where does patience end and stubbornness begin?

... 102

Last night my wish the day never to end got carried bit too far and way beyond-I couldn’t fall asleep until 2 am. And I wonder if it was really I that inflicted it on me? Can I really command myself how to feel? If so then I’m obliged to use that power.

... 101

I don’t want to let today go-it was too perfect a day to let it end. There’s only one thing that can make it even more perfect but…ah, I’m already grateful for everything I got today. I felt at home in my own life. Never say never… It’s good to end a perfect day hoping that your future has in store even better ones.

... 100

Happy name day to me. Isn’t it ironic that my name means “faith”? But then again I do believe-in goodness and compassion, in tolerance and empathy, in beauty and magic and sparks. I do believe the world can be a better place…if only all people believe in that too.

I hope to finally get to feel at home in my own life someday. The latter I don’t believe but it feels so good to fantasize about it.

... 99

9 pm last night. I was walking home after a mild and rather ceremonial celebration to mark the end of a dreadful week. Sometimes you feel so worn out that your sense of reality takes a day off too…which is not necessarily bad; it makes even trivial look new. The setting felt so surreal-to be amidst people and yet alone with my thoughts while “Still” gently caressed my ears; as if I could walk to the edge of the earth. A moment perfect in its fleetingness.

... 98

Today was a good day. My work was recognized, I felt accomplished. Tomorrow…there’s a lot of time until tomorrow and there’s no use in wasting any of it speculating what could or should tomorrow be like. Right now I feel good and that’s all that matters.

Today was a good day.

... 97

What the fuck happens to me? I break down over nothing, over anything. Could it be that loneliness affects me more, much more that is than I realize and am ready to confess? It very well could.

I got myself in quite a situation: failed to overcome the need of a relationship but already incapable to carry out one. And I know why: because I’m the mind of a teenage girl still free to flirt with the idea of a perfect future trapped inside the body of an imminently soon-to-be middle-aged woman who is expected to be already clear about the realities of life. Catch 22. 

“Try to laugh about it now but isn't it funny how everything works out ("i guess the jokes on me" she said)”

... 96

I’d like to believe that yesterday I reached the lowest point. Thus the only way left will be the way up. Does that count for positive approach? I really don’t see how it differs from delusion. But then again everything starts within the mind. 

Starting something is easy. Bringing it to an end however is a whole different story.

Susan and DEATH

"All right," said Susan. "I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need... fantasies to make life bearable."

REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.

"Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little—"

YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.

"So we can believe the big ones?"

YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.

"They're not the same at all!"

YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET—Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME... SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.

"Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point—"

MY POINT EXACTLY."
— Terry Pratchett (Hogfather)

It’s encouraging to know someone else thinks what you think. Of course Sir Terry says is much better.

... 95

It is at moments as this one that I miss my Vincent desperately. He was the sweetest soul; irreplaceable.

... 94

Something I had put some hope into fell into useless pieces yesterday. That’s good. Now I’m wasting no more time on it. Life’s too short for wallowing in self-pity. At least the enjoyable part of life is. Just like summer it ends before you know it.