... 456

A couple of months left. How surreal that feels. My next dream is 8 weekends away. I swear, I will try to suck every drop of juice out of it, I have to. And once I am done with it I will hang it on the wall next to other "trophies" to look at them now and then and say to myself " I once had a life and it was a good one. "

I am not afraid it will be over, I am afraid of the emptiness that will follow. It's a taste you can never forget.

Maybe the only way to happy is to keep yourself delusional.

... 455

I'm 42 and in a way I am still a child. And why not? I am not married, nor I am in a relationship, I don't have children of my own - nothing stops me from being a child for as long as I want to and I don't see why I should want to stop at any time. I tried being a full-time grownup - and I didn't like it. Judging by the adults that I deal with daily they don't seem to be very happy with their choice but it doesn't even occur to them they could reverse it.

Sure, we all have bills to pay; and if your car breaks down the problem will not disappear if you ignore it; and it sucks if you have to be stuck in traffic for a couple of hours; and it sucks even more if you disagree with your boss but you can't afford to even hint about it. To be an adult is to deal with all the boring but inescapable unpleasantries that life has to offer and offers in a generous supply. But why would one choose to hold to all that unavoidable mess as if it's a sacred cow or something is beyond my understanding when there's an enormous offering of other things to be amused by. Like this short article on the latest image captured byHubble Space Telescope. In that article there's a paragraph I found hilarious:
"The Pistol Star is a blue hypergiant and one of the most luminous in our galaxy. It’s not expected to last long: it will burn through its fuel in just a couple of million years."

So, a couple of million years is not long. My mind can't even cope with one hundred thousand years, let alone millions. Isn't it fascinating? Of course it is useless piece of information that is not going to help you in any way to find a nice kindergarten for your kid but if you need to be explained why it is so fascinating then, I'm afraid, you are caged in adulthood without parole.

Beautiful stars, are they not?

... 454

I think I figured why my life came to a halt. It has everything to do with my attitude to people which can be summarized in one word: disgust. I have three options: change my attitude (how?!), find people I'm not disgusted with (how?!?! ; and will they like me back?), keep on being miserable among creatures I have no respect for. It's good I no longer find solitude scary.

... 453

Quality of life is about good/bad days ratio. Lately almost all days are bad and the rest are only not that bad. Can I apply for euthanasia?

I don't really mean it of course, I am old enough to know better than that. 

I read recently that a 24-old Belgian woman in a perfect physical condition was granted by the court a permission for assisted suicide. The reason? Clinical depression. I'm baffled by this news. 24 is too young an age and I don't mean that young people are not supposed to die - death is democratic when it comes to age. My point is that at 24 your mind is still a mess, you still don't know who you are and who you want to be. And I say it because it comes directly from my own experience. I had a strong death wish at 20; at 24 it was still there, stronger than ever; at 28 it was even stronger. Death wish was my permanent companion for a decade and a half until one day it dawned on me it was gone, gone for good. It's only over when it's over and until it's over there's always hope-even against all odds.

It's all in the head and sometimes your head is not to be trusted, not as yet. Death is only the ultimate solution, not the only one. It's good to have a choice.