... 270

I want to make today work. I’m not sure in what way-I just want to feel good about today when it ends. I want to feel that sense of completeness that would overwhelm the voices of doubt and insecurity. I want to make today matter.

But I need help-because nothing is fun when you’re on your own.

... 269

This year I felt good about Christmas-and that by itself was already a miracle. I wouldn’t mind some happiness as well if that’s not too much to ask. Please? Oh, well, maybe next year.

I wonder if my heart still remembers how to dance. 

Homage

If you are happy and content, cherish it; if you love someone, let him/her know it. Nothing lasts forever-neither happiness nor love nor life. You never know when what you have will be taken from you.

I know it’s a silly advice…but once you learn that truth the hard way it sounds silly no more.

R.I.P. my beloved Vincent.

... 268

I’m up for a miracle today. Don’t disappoint me, OK? When, if not now? A momentum as perfect as this one now might not come around any time soon. And when it finally does I might not be around.

... 267

Sometimes that “California” movie starts to make sense and that is, if not else, confusing. And there is much else, of course. It makes me question my judgment and common sense even more. It isn’t comfortable to feel like an alien stranded on a hostile planet. 

... 266

And there seems to be no comfort for me. Maybe I don’t deserve any. Maybe there couldn't be any.

... 265

What a horrible day.

Every morning I bring food to two stray dogs living next to the building where my office is; they are always together. This morning only one of them came; the other one was missing. I searched the area for her and found her lifeless body tossed on the lay-by by the road. 10 minutes ago I went to check on her again-to be sure she’s really dead; and she was. I can’t stop crying. She was such a sweet gentle soul.

I loathe people so much right now.

... 264

Some days I really wish the world would end. If thoughts could kill I would've been a mass murderer by noon.

... 263

It’s so cold that my tears turn into snowflakes and there’s nothing to melt them down. My soul is frozen; as if all the joy in the world has perished. December is the month of death.