... 16

So I’m 37 officially-now what?

The day after my birthday is the happiest day of the year-with the spotlight off my head and the nervousness and restlessness miraculously gone as if they never were.

I can understand not being thrilled about getting older but that is now; what about childhood? Kids are supposed to love their birthday parties don’t they?

The trouble (and a trouble it is for it is what keeps me stuck in one place) is that I fail at finding a reason good enough to bother. It all (and I mean all, as everything) seems deprived of meaning and not worth any effort. At all.

Why bother going to the gym at least 3 times a week, drinking green tea, quitting smoking, eating healthy etc? So that I would die at 90 instead of 70?! Somehow I don’t think I’d miss much.

There was a joke that went: Who wants to be 81? Someone who’s 80.

Thanks but no; thanks.

There’s a difference between not doing something because you won’t and because you can’t. And old age is about reduced choices; it’s like a permanent and eventually terminal disability. Why would I, why would anyone want to suffer the humiliation of helplessness?

Feeling insecure, uncertain and in doubt just about everything is OK when you’re a teenager and scary to the extent of horror and panic as you approach what is known as middle-age.

Most people point out kids as a reason to live. But I’m not most people. And that has been the problem all along hasn’t it?

Droop wears you out.

... 15

Happy birthday to me.

... 14

I can't force myself to listen to the HTDA's EP for almost 3 weeks already. How is such a change of hearts possible? And why does it make me so sad? NiN used to mean almost everything to me. As if I've lost my religion. I know everything comes to an end but feelings have little if anything to do with reason.
But then again HTDA is not NiN. Right. Different words. Different message. That is not my language.

-----------------------------------------------

I must change my life until there are still chances for me to be happy. Or...I might have missed them all; it's possible.
Mirror mirror on the wall...will I ever be happy?

So emotional

Today I was indeed. It happened out of the blue. I had a long chat with a very good friend and...oh, let's say it's been ages since I last shared so much. I'm glad it happened so-I was beggining to be afraid I might never wish to talk again.
My eyes were wet the whole time.

"What have I become..."

I recognize myself no longer.

... 13

I have become emotion-proof. Just an observation. I don’t need an explanation to serve me as an excuse. Emotionless people don’t need one.

No, it isn’t so. It’s just that most of the time I manage to fool myself I’m better off without feeling anything. Unfortunately I only deprived me of the good emotions-ill ones I couldn’t stop.