Saturday 31 March 2012

Can't let go

I had a nervous breakdown this morning. While I was taking a shower I thought about Vincent’s last minutes. I still remember every gruesome detail of that December morning. I have replayed it so many times in my head and yet each time I have to press my palms to my mouth to prevent a scream; and each time I become a mess.
When he died I thought I had lost my smile for good. I got it back but it wasn’t the same smile. I cry to honour you, my precious. I cry in hope tears will wash away the sorrow.

Friday 30 March 2012

... 190

Monday 26 March 2012

... 189


Welcome to a new week! In contrast to the previous Monday today I feel nothing but excited and impatient to see what this week has in store for me.

Sunday 25 March 2012

... 188

Mind is an extraordinary tool and I intend to focus on exploring its power of self-control and self-persuasion. If anything the least I can achieve is to free myself of some or even all my fears-a freedom of mind a.k.a. “I don’t give a shit” attitude.


That sounds like bullshit right? But in fact I’m absolutely serious. I must not allow anger in-that’s hard to do but is not impossible. And that's just for starters. And if I succeed it'll be a proof there's more to life than what meets the eye. I wish myself luck.

... 187

My face is indecisive this morning-should it smile? should it frown? The day is still young for anything to have already happened that would tip the balance either way. Frowning however seems more effortless. Sometimes smiling makes me feel like an idiot anyway. 

Saturday 24 March 2012

... 186

The retirement age for women is 68!? Dear Lord, I don’t plan to even live that long!

Thursday 22 March 2012

... 185

Now and then I think of Mani-the way we used to talk, the way I wasn’t afraid to put off my mask and just be me. True, at the end of our friendship I tended to turn a blind eye to his passive hostility-that’s how much I trusted him. I hope he’s happy. I hope I’ll trust someone again the way I trusted him. Unlikely though. But I’m pretty sure he’s happy. Oh well, one out of two isn’t bad.

Wednesday 21 March 2012

... 184

Isn’t it great that the right song can make even shit smell better? Right now "Burn" seems just right.

Sunday 18 March 2012

... 183

I’m in between love ages. Love demands at least partial detachment from reality but people my age take life too seriously to even consider falling in love. So here I am in between-too old for young fools and not old enough yet to resign all hope and put up with old fools.

You know, the though I might fall in love never again… why bother breathing then?

... 182


Snowflakes melt into flowers
Light devours darkness
A scent of promise in the air
If only…

Don’t bother to mock my err, poetry OK?

Friday 16 March 2012

... 181


Never thought a Disney movie could sadden me

Thursday 15 March 2012

... 180



I just donated 50 Euros to the Animal Rescue Sofia organization. I wouldn’t say I’m in excess of spare money but I’m the one to say what I should spare my money on. Some buy clothes; I prefer to donate. Especially that money go to animals.
The site states that’s worth a single dog’s orthopedic surgery. The site also says ARS has so far helped around 1100 dogs to be rehomed. I want to do more than just donate money (although money alone is already a great help for those people) but an up-close and personal contact with caged unwanted dogs will turn me into a mess. Even so I will probably do it.   
  
http://arsofia.com/ 

Sunday 11 March 2012

... 179

A friend I haven’t seen in ages and most likely will never see again in my life wrote on FB “You’re too sweet Vera”. It’s easy for him to say that-I’m at a safe distance and he’s not around to question and stand my temper. Hmm, maybe he does mean it and I’m just unnecessarily and unjustly suspicious and touchy. When did I decide I don’t deserve good things to be said or thought about me? Fuck, I need a break. A permanent one would do just fine. Just thinking about another week at the office makes me want to puke.

Wednesday 7 March 2012

... 178



When you’re young you are sure that feelings are the beginning and the end, the alpha and omega, a good enough reason by itself either to live or die. Once all that crap starts to ring false in your mind you become a grown-up.
Lately I feel a hundred years old.