... 289

Back to planet Earth. Landing was abrupt and painful. There’s nothing like home "sweet" home.

Sweet euphoria

TR will tour again!

Please, don’t break the silence and let me sleep some more-I must be dreaming :)

... 288

Pity you can’t divorce your parents. There’s more to blood ties than mutual DNA.

It’s one of those days months moments when I wish I was terminally ill so I could send everybody to hell and get away with it. 

... 287

What the fuck is wrong with you people! The atmosphere everywhere oozes hatred, people throw at each other harsh words as if they were stones, voices are in all caps-sharp and unconditional. It kills me. It kills me to see evil win. 

... 286

And so with each suppressed longing, unspoken and unmet, I get less and less alive.   

... 285

Half my colleagues are sick and the half of the remaining healthy half is at home to take care of their loved ones who are sick. And I can’t even bring myself to sneeze.  Even the flu ignores me.

Whining, whining… 

... 284

Yesterday morning I caught “Ally McBeal” on TV. In that episode John told Ally she’d be much happier alone than with someone; that being single was the better option for her than being in a relationship because no reality could ever be a match to her dreams, because reality would always be disappointing.

He’s right; of course. But he left out an important detail-that disappointment goes both ways. In my dreams I am happy and content and I don’t need to be rescued from myself because I am whole, invulnerable and unmistakable. In my dreams it’s eternal spring, people are gracious and there’s no reason to cry. But in reality I’m covered in scars and sadness leaks from every crack. What has been broken can not be whole again. Better buy a new model.

-

I and my father.

We’re not just on different opinions-we’re on different planets.

I hate him; just how much I hate him-to perfection, after all the years of practice. I don’t understand why love as a feeling is so praised since it isn’t nearly as enduring as hate is.

... 283

Today my perception of the world around is so surreal that the day should turn either really terrible or really terrific. Oblivious mind is a blessing sometimes. I am not here. I am not. There is no “I”. There are no worries because there’s no one to worry.

... 282

Don’t come to me whining-my sympathy is temporarily out of service.

But if you do come anyway chances are you won’t leave disappointed. "I can't help it-it's in my nature." Such is the faith of natural born listeners.

... 281

It was a heeling weekend. As degraded as I felt over the last couple of days I was given an unexpected but vital reassurance for true friendship. I’m not alone and I will never find myself being alone. Hopefully this will get me safe through this week. I don’t want and I don’t need to be everybody’s cup of tea…but if I’m not at least someone’s I’m as good as dead. 

... 280

I’m impossibly intolerable lately-I realize that. I don’t mean tantrums, unjust nagging or unprovoked aggression. Quite the opposite actually but, as I’m sure, still irritable-I’m dead quiet. I know how that looks from aside but I can’t help it. I just can’t bring myself to be at least courteously sociable. People…right now they stress me out so much that it’s physically impossible for me to find middle ground. People breathing, moving around me, talking nonsense, blowing their own horns, doing wrong after wrong without any awareness or remorse…

It sickens me.

... 279

Happiness is an egocentric state of mind-you have to be focused on yourself to feel it.

But the essence is that it is a state of mind-it’s not a matter of how you are but of how you think you are.