... 12

Nothing of what goes through my mind seems worth blogging which by itself doesn’t come even close to considering it as a problem. My passiveness however goes beyond blogger.com which I find already alarming. I seem to apply the “Why bother?” approach to almost every aspect of my life save, of course, my dog and the cares for him.

... 11

I remember TR once said in an interview "I have nothing to say when I'm happy".
Well, I guess he's happy now.

P.S. Good for him.

... 10

What if how I feel lately is not just a phase I’m going through? Oh, dear, I don’t want to go there again-I’m too tired to fight back.

He's fine!!!

Oh, dear, Vincent's fine! Yesterday he bleeded from his penis and I freaked out. I couldn't stop crying. But today the vet said he's fine!

He's fine. I care for nothing else.
He's fine.

... 9

Help.

Just chillin'

... 8

I wish there was someone I could talk to. I keep everything inside for so long that I'm afraid I might go silent forever.
If only I could be truly happy just for a day.

The hole goes deep

(Since there’s no way for me to know the truth behind the story I’ll have to go with the story alone)

There’s nothing wrong (or shocking for that matter) in the fact that a renowned and successful man is trying to launch his new (and gorgeous-she’s a real dish) wife’s career; that’s what any devoted husband would do. But (of course, there is a but) when the man in question is Trent Reznor who, as it happens, is…well, was at least, my role model (second) and a sort of imaginary spiritual friend throughout my whole adult life (first) things have no choice but to get personal. For me he was never a rock star or a celebrity. He was someone who knew what it feels like to be stuck in the empty space between reality and dreams; who knew how it feels to realize you don’t belong in the former and never will in the latter; who knew how lonely that feels; who just knew. He knew…and he forgot he was once (although for what probably seemed eternity) there. And that makes me feel…betrayed for now I have to sail that boat alone. And I am jealous as well because I too want to forget. He upgraded from wishful past to perfect present tense. Good for him; really. I once said that if he finds happiness one day then maybe such a day will come for me too. But he finally made it to the surface and already lives happily on his paradise island while I keep on drowning deeper and deeper and the light of sun is just a fading memory. There are no helping hands reaching for me-maybe because I sink in silence and since I keep quiet people assume I’m OK. I’m not OK. I haven’t been OK for decades.

How did that song go? “Happiness and peace of mind were never meant for me”.

I know someone has to draw the short straw. Knowing why I had the “honour” would help…me…or so I think.

New music ala TR...sort of

Soooo…TR got himself a new band. “How To Destroy Angels”. Umm, I guess the name is as good as any other. It makes a catchy abbreviation at least. As for music…which is (should be) the primal thing about a band…well…HTDA is not NIN. TR never said it was so everything’s alright then? I guess…but I can’t help to feel…well…cheated; as if I was given a T-shirt when I was expecting an Armani evening dress.

Ah, and if I dare to demonstrate discontent at the nin.com forum I’ll be run over and put 6 feet under by all the I’m-your-biggest-fan zealots in no time. It’s sad to think how things changed.