... 444

I wish it didn't take me so long to stop carrying about "other people" 's opinion.

But where are friends when you need them? Wasn't it "in good and bad, in sickness and health"? Oh, that was marriage. I've always believed friendship to be more sacred than marriage.   

... 443

There are days that make my worst days seem pretty OK. Sometimes there's so much pain that it absorbs every smile, every hope, every chance for something good, like a black hole, and everything dies in it.

One of the dogs I take care of - the German Shepard, has to be put down. It seems I am the only one who cares enough for him to make that decision. I feel so bad I can't even talk about it. And don't dare to judge me if you hadn't have to clean a dog lying in a pool of his own urine. 

Life is nothing more but the time between birth and death. Sometimes I still wonder why I bother with it at all. The balance is never right.

... 442

That concert trip to Dubai in September? It is still on but why did I have to tell at the office about it? One of my coworkers expressed wish to come along. What was I supposed to tell him? "No, I don't want you with me." I couldn't. And I should've. And I have to find a way to say it because else he will ruin my trip completely. I can't travel with a companion. I can't tolerate anyone's presence for more than a few hours. To travel solo is really stressful but that's also its charm - to face the unknown on your own and come out as a winner. I can't let anyone stand in the way of what could be the trip of a lifetime for me.

... 441

Family is about feeling safe and loved. Blood ties are a relevant but insufficient condition. 

I have a coworker who talks on the phone with her daughter a few times a day. I can't help feeling envious. I wish my parents were as half so supportive and understanding as she is. As futile as it is but I can't help thinking how different my life would've been. Some damages stick for life, like birthmarks.

... 440

My best friend's husband will return to Bulgaria in about a week. Their marriage is a peculiar one - he's in the USA, she's here in Bulgaria; he returns home twice a year for a couple of months each time and then goes back to the USA. Peculiar or not but it seems to work fine - they married over a decade ago and are still very much in love.

He is a great guy, really. They are so lucky to have found each other. But when he's here I don't get to see my friend much and then I miss her. And now she's pregnant and will soon give birth to a baby girl meaning I will lose her for a year at least. Sure, we will see each other - like maybe once every couple of months. Damn. No, I am not jealous, her happiness is a top priority for me...but I can't help thinking how lonely I will be. And I can't help wondering if we'll ever go back to being as close as before.

I know, nothing ever stays the same. I just wish there were exceptions to the rule.  

What if

That awkward moment when your heart yells at you something that you just know can not be true.

It is confusing not to trust your own judgment and even more confusing to realize you could be wrong about being wrong.

It is OK if no one knows what I'm talking about. I know.

I don't suppose anyone knows more about patience than me. I'm such an idiot.

... 439

With tables so close to one another at my favorite cafe I can't help eavesdropping:

A man and his little girl sit next to me. Suddenly I hear her say "Daddy, I love you." I am moved and slightly saddened.

I don't think I have ever said that to my father. But then again he has never said that to me either. I would've remembered it.

A minute of silence for the chances missed.