New Year's wish

I want some of the faith that I lost restored. That's all.

... 510

Yesterday's craze, wherever it came from, is gone, the venom is out, the beast is asleep. Shhhhhh.

Remember, when nothing goes right hug a cat :)

... 509

I must have a place in this world. I guess I have misread the map because the more I try the more lost I get.

Five "I"s in only two sentences. Meh.

... 508

"Hello darkness, my old friend."

Wisdom to accept what is beyond your control is always a few steps behind, like a stranger who fails to stop you from falling down and shows up only to collect your remains off the ground. Useless, utterly useless.

I am not as strong as I have hoped.

There's no use in trying to see the forest. It's too dark to see anything anyway.

... 507

I just got a call from a good friend who lives abroad for close to a decade now. He comes to Bulgaria twice a year and calls me every time to meet. I'm under the impression that I am the only one he gets in touch with when he's here. That is flattering of course - it's always flattering to be appreciated. However, some years ago he had a crush on me - although nothing was said my radar detected an unmistakable turbulence that, I'm afraid, is still present to this day. Could it be really that normal friendship between a man and a woman is not possible? That either of them always has a hidden agenda? Isn't that sad?

If I had a dollar for each time that happened I would've had... 6 dollars. That may not seem like much but that's 6 guys who walked out on me because friendship was not enough for them. WTF?

But what really pisses me off is that the friendship gets terminated the moment it is clear it's just friendship and there will be no extras. Seriously? I mean, am I the only one who thinks that friendship is sacred? Duh.

... 506

It just dawned on me that it's not what you wish for that matters. It is much more important if what you wish for matches someone else's wish.

... 505

Beware of dreams for no danger that could actually be realized for real does not compare with the pain caused by a dream unrealized. Dream with caution. And happy holidays.

There is no forgiveness for the weak. Still I must admit I feel slightly better now.

... 504

And there goes another miracle-free Christmas. What's new. I guess I don't qualify for one.

What do I want for Christmas? With Christmas Eve already behind it is still an appropriate time to make a wish. It's not like it's going to happen anyway.

It's not what I want to get, it's what I want to get rid of.

I want to say goodbye for good to: tears, despair, emptiness, bitterness, loneliness, alienation, everything that separates and everything that hurts.

And, yes, I also wish I could go back in time and make different choices.

What can I say, impossible wishes are my speciality.

... 503

I could use a miracle today. A tiny one would do. I'm not asking. Maybe I should try praying. You never know. I certainly don't.

... 502

I feel...

That's the trouble - I feel nothing. I'm afraid I'm getting used to it and when I search my soul I find nothing but impatience everything to end. Is it the winter? Is it Christmas? Is it today? My Vincent stopped breathing on this day five years ago. Is it loneliness that weights on me heavier with each day? Is it hope getting thinner as days turn to past in vain?

Sometimes I miss Jonathan - as he was fifteen years ago, another lost soul searching for an anchor. Knowing there was someone out there looking for the same as I was made me believe that what we were looking for could actually be found. 

... 501

As of today both my blogs are a follower short. And I have no idea who that was. To be honest, apart from two particular profiles I have no idea who the rest are. Still it didn't feel good to see that the numbers have changed...for a couple of minutes. That's how long it took me to see it was only my pride speaking and I simply shut its mouth. Pride is not just overrated and useless - it gets in the way and by now I know better than to complicate my already complicated life even more.

Oh, well, what do I care - there will be a new NIN album next year, possibly a tour (please, please, please!) - and that news filled my cup to the brim leaving pretty much no room in it for meaningless worries.

My point here is simple: Life sucks. Sometimes it sucks big time. But not all the time.  

Simplify, simplify, simplify.

... 500

Sometimes I can't wait to die. Sometimes it seems like the good that is yet to come will not be enough to make it up for the bad that is sure to come as well. And I think "Why bother at all?" And the shortcut seems tempting.

And then the moment passes.

There is no moral here. Such is life, that all. No less and no more. 

... 499

Why do people walk out on me?

What is it that I do?

What is it that I don't?

Would I change anything if I knew the answer?

Probably not. It wouldn't feel right to, it would be a lie, I would feel like a fraud.

But if people walk out on me because I no longer fit their requirements then I shouldn't judge them for not fitting mine. And I don't anymore. People are different and I’m honest when I say that I tolerate that.

I am aware that overcoming differences takes efforts. Have people simply become too lazy to make these efforts? I can't fight that.

... 498

"It's always darkest before the dawn."

It's pretty dark as it is - but not dark enough yet. It will take awhile before dawn comes. I can tell exactly when that will be: right after all hope is gone. I'm not there yet but in a way I wish I was - I wish I could simply take the bitter pill and be done with it. There's no fun in sliding down because there are no surprises at the bottom. But when you go up...when you go up even the sky is not the limit.