Tuesday 24 May 2016

... 542

I know why I don't get what I want. It is because I don't know what I want.

And that is why all my life up until and including now has the taste of a departure lounge where I am just killing time until whatever it is that I am waiting for starts.

As if there's a wall inside my mind over which I can't peak at the possibilities outside it.

Now, how do I tear down that wall?

Sunday 22 May 2016

... 541

If people prefer the dread and agony of old age to death then they must really be terrified with dying. 

I should be so lucky never to have to make that choice...because it is irrelevant what I think now; in 20 years I will think differently, no doubt about that.

Saturday 21 May 2016

... 540

I wish I wasn't so obliging. Where I am now, and knowing how I got here, I consider it a serious drawback. Why on earth did I turn into a "nurse", pampering everybody's needs whether they deserve it or not? (And most of them don't.)

I'm like a hamster in a wheel - it feels like I'm going somewhere but all I do is going round in circles.

... 539

There is too much that I hide inside, too much swallowed words and suppressed emotions. They are dark, and growing darker.

That is not whining, it's an observation. And a warning to myself to watch out because it won't just fade away, it is bound to transform into something and the consequences will be... let's say it won't be pretty.

I don't know what is the right thing to do.

I can't go to a counselor.
I am not willing to spare neither time nor money on this - there are far more important things to spend both on. Which opens a whole chapter of new questions: 1) I don't think counseling can help? 2) I think I can work it out on my own, as I usually do? Because I think that no one can help me better than I can help myself? 3) I think that everything else is of a higher priority than I am?

I can't turn to a friend either.
I have just a few friends to begin with and I wouldn't risk making them even fewer by pouring on them the mess that my mind is. No, that is not exactly it. The truth is that all they could do would be to listen politely and in awkward silence and that just won't do. It has to be shared with someone who will know from personal experience what I am talking about and what I mean. There isn't such a person among my friends.

But there is... I just realized there is one. The problem is that he lives in another city. We've met once, I'm sure we'll meet again one day - hopefully it will not be too late.

I guess I have to accept that this is how it will always be - with my demons over my shoulder. Now and then I manage to escape them but they always find me. Maybe I should try to befriend them.

Sunday 15 May 2016

... 538

One of the things that drive me completely insane is the noise small kids make. I know I shouldn't react this way but I do and I can't help it. And, no, it isn't because they're someone else's kids and not mine. If they were to be mine I still would've gotten furious, brutally furious - which is precisely one of the many equally important reasons why I don't and will never have children of my own flesh and blood.

"You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea."


But this is exactly what people do by having children. They re-create themselves through their children, make their own copies.


Vanity, thy name is human.

Thursday 12 May 2016

Hmm...

I don't say it's true...yet I can't say that it isn't:


Sunday 8 May 2016

... 537

For years I buy my tofu from a small shop downtown owned by a lady slightly my senior. For a couple of months now there's another lady keeping the shop. Yesterday she told me that the woman running the business before her had died - without any warning, without being ill or anything. Just like that - one day she was alive, the next day she was no longer. "And you know, that lady that passed away - she had dreams, she had plans..."

Don't we all? And, of course, we all think our dreams are significant and of importance. Silly petty apes aren't we? 

I wonder what regrets she had. 

Sunday 1 May 2016

... 536

When I was younger my mind was tormented by the question "Why am I not like the rest?"

And now, many years of trial and error later (OK, not that many), the question is inevitably rearranged: "Why the rest are not like me?"