No guts-no glory

Some people (who are those “some”?! I never get to meet them.) say that when you lose everything then the opportunities are limitless because there’s nothing anymore to hold you back. So I wonder what is it that I have that keeps me stuck. I guess it is the rather relative feeling of safety but even so it is there and the fear of losing it shatters in its origin even the thought of shaking the status quo even if the prize is worth it.

Through the eyes of a beholder

Oscar Wilde said: “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
Sounds catchy doesn’t it? But truth has that irresistible quality of being much less poetic. Oscar Wilde did live and an extreme life it was! But…the price for that life had to be paid not only by him but his family and friends as well. He was a 100 % hedonist and the bill for his pleasures went to the people he loved and cared for the most. Wouldn’t you call that irresponsible and even cruel? I would. To exist may not be in the least exciting and appealing but it is moral and you just can not have it both ways. There is always someone who has to do the dirty job and clean the puke off the floor when the party’s over.
Apparently I am of the existing type since I have a time to waste.

Yet another blind morning

It is almost safe to use my old blog again. Almost but not quite yet. Going back, its original design was to get in touch with suchlike minds to know I wasn’t the only one “who thinks this way”. But with time the watchful eyes of the few frequent readers it obtained became a bit of a burden and from a confession room my blog turned into another PR eye-wash. I already have a mask to wear for “the society”; I don’t need another one.

Some say writing helps. It used to…when I believed words can make a difference. Or should I say-when I believed at all.

"Could I have been a better person

if I could only do it all again?"

Has my time for amends expired?

Live ant let die

I wonder why people take suicidal inclination to be a bad thing considering free will and the right to choose what one should do with one’s life is a basic right (at least on words). The world is overpopulated anyway and if someone wants to make more room for the rest of the living (and those yet to come) doesn’t that someone deserve to be left to do it?
I’m thinking a lot about dying again-the burden of life just doesn’t seem worth the efforts and certainly is not worth the misery it brings me. Further more and definitely more important, there is not even a touch of hope in me that could change, ever. Alas, I’m not free to leave in my own terms.

Which day is today?

Days recently seem like a trance-each one repeating the one before it, nothing to tell them apart. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I keep sinking deeper and deeper into apathy, wishing for nothing, waiting for nothing, hoping for nothing. There’s one wish however-to sleep. The systematic lack of sleep might be affecting me much more than I suspect. Maybe all I need to come out of the hole is to get a good sleep. Right now the hole feels cozy.

"I'll never be who you want me to be"

Hmm, a guy at least 10 years younger than me seems to be quite interested in me and I don't think I'm mistaken about that-after all I have many years of experience in the game of hide-and-seek and the signs speak to me loud and clear. Err...I suppose I should be flattered? Looking at his face makes me feel so...old 'cause his youth reminds me of all the chances I've missed. And there goes another one.

Insomnia

It's just that midnight goes very well with "Eraser". And "Ringfinger". And "Home". Fuck, I'm not ready to throw away 20 years of my life. No wonder I feel sad but that's no news. The really bad part is my hope is nowhere to be seen. I'm lost without it.

How do you say "I'm sorry"?

I know how to spell it of course and I am capable of repeating those words over and over but how can I make them work? "I'm sorry" can not undo the deed.

“There is no you-there is only me”

I can relax now because for the time being I answered The Question-of life, the universe and everything. There is neither reward nor punishment and things don’t happen for a reason but just because. And there is no mystery about life to be revealed for there is no such. The reason for life is the life itself. There is no higher reason…alas. There is only wishful thinking.

Breathing a bit easier now

Had last night what it seemed and seems still a life-saving chat with a couple of friends. Realised they love me more than I probably deserve. It felt good though, hope-reviving. I still feel like the scum of the universe and I try to deal with it in the only way I know: by keeping my head in the sand hoping that the problem will disappear if I don't see it. Typical.

"I tried, I gave up"

Everything’s coming back the way it was-fears, insecurity, doubts, despair. I think I am beyond the point where I’d ask for help because I don’t care anymore. If I have had any hopes I could lead a normal life (and I had hopes) now it is clear that will never happen to me. “The point of no return”.

Am I really such a bad person?

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Until I have my old blog back in my possession I’ll have to hide here. Here is where I expect to be able to be as weak and vulnerable as I really am most of the time. Here’s where I can cry out uncensored. Sometimes I need to whine without anyone commenting back.

How did I come to assume that protecting me is selfish and therefore wrong and bad?

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I did something terrible today and I hope someday I will forgive myself for hurting a good person who didn’t deserve it but he wanted from me something I couldn’t provide for the life of me and I know he meant good but he doesn’t really know me; he only knows my mask; I’m a social freak so don’t ask of me to behave like a normal person because that is not in my power to do.

I switched off my mobile, I'm not checking my gmail today-just leave me bleed in peace.

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I’m filled with guilt but I’m twice as filled with rage because I had to do harm as a response to something I didn’t ask for. What was so bad that I did to deserve the agony I’m going through? WHAT?

And I absolutely hate surprises. I felt trapped.