... 452

It is my birthday today. I took the day off. I just couldn't face the congratulations and smiles that would come my way. I don't feel worthy of them. And neither I trust them to be honest.

... 451

Now that Ray is gone I can't help thinking how lonely he is in his grave. He was a much better human than many people I know and I wish I didn't.

R.I.P. Ray

Death isn't painful; life is.
No more pain.

... 450

OK, I will buy that. But only because hope, as futile as it seems, is the only option for the time being. It's not like I agree but more like I don't feel like arguing.

... 449

"The best way to get out of the tunnel is to pass through it."

Alright, for the sake of the game I will play along. But which way do I go? There is no light anywhere in sight. I know a thing or two about whining ("Practice makes perfect", remember?) so when I indulge in doing it it means I am already off the edge and falling down at great speed (as if there's any other way). 

My eyes may be too exhausted to see the light.

Heartbreaking

... 448

Throw me a bone, something to chew on. A tiny grain of hope, that's all I am asking for.

With feeling

I didn't say the feeling was good.

... 447

Humans succumb to weakness easily, too easily for a species that has been given the gift of intelligence, and that is a weakness I find unforgivable. 

... 446

I had a dream last night and in it Ray was walking again. I remember feeling overwhelmed with enormous joy in my dream, I remember shouting to a coworker "Look! Ray is back on his feet!"

So this morning, as I headed to the office to feed the dogs, I kept telling myself "It was just a dream. Do not trust a hope. It was only a dream." But I guess it didn't work because when I reached the office and saw there was no change in his condition my heart fell into pieces. 

... 445

There are no colors where I am now. It's pitch black. This is how despair looks like - it consumes everything and leaves you with nothing. Fucking déjà vu.

This too shall pass? Please. Empty promises of the future can not make the present hurt less.

But there are side effects. This week I was on my worst temper, as if I was possessed by something evil. I feel helpless. I AM helpless to change anything and this helplessness leads to aimless hostility, intolerance and irritability. I am usually in perfect control of these feelings but now my shield is down and everything is out in the open. The mere presence of people around - laughing, posing, chatting their little chatter - makes me snap.  This can not end good.

"I'd like to stay
but every day
everything pushes me further away
If you could show
help me to know
how it's supposed to be
and where did it go"