... 160

Tonight is the final test. The last time I stuck fingers down my throat to force myself to throw up was about a year ago. I haven’t had a crisis since then. I feared Christmas was to provoke one but to my greatest surprise the Christmas feast went smoothly and I didn't eat more than normally eat on any other day. Oh, dear, could it be I’m through with my eating disorder once and for all? I do not dare to hope yet. I wish it was already tomorrow. Wish me strength. Wish me luck.  

... 159

A belated Christmas wish: I wish I had any artistic talent. 

... 158

On this day, exactly a year ago, Vincent passed away.

I love you, my precious one-always and forever.

My heart still bleeds.

... 157

I hope never to live to see a world in which people don’t care about music.

... 156

This isn’t right. It’s in fact so wrong that it’s a league of its own. I must have fucked up big time in my previous life. Such a notion would’ve helped if I believed in reincarnation…which I don’t and how could I when the only thought to make me feel less miserable is that all this will eventually end once and for all. One day I’ll be free and my ghost will be happily dancing on my grave. It’s that bad. 

... 155

"Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them... Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself...soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life."

—Remus Lupin to Harry Potter

It feels as if I have a personal dementor attached to me.
I need my soul back.

... 154

Demons are back. And they are stronger than ever. 
Some days life makes no sense at all. One day I can survive but what do I do when that day repeats itself over and over? How do you keep sanity in an insane situation?!

... 153

I feel like a triggered bomb just about to go off-an unbearable and as if everlasting sensation; also suffocating. 

... 152

Some days just stink of wrongness but today in particular was filthy rotten. Faith collapsing. And no one gives a fuck. Right now I could leave with no regrets.