... 67

Is it normal to feel guilty you’re still alive and breathing after someone you’ve loved dearly has died?

... 66

Pleasure is never an adequate justification for one's actions. The ability to choose reason and morality over instincts is what differs us from animals and the act of actually making that choice is what makes us humans.

... 65

I can not be happy unless everybody else is happy. And by "everybody" I mean every single living being-human or animal. Why is it so hard to live in peace?

... 64

I should probably talk to someone. That grief of mine wouldn’t go away on its own and shows no sign of alleviation-as if I’m pressed down under a rock I can’t lift by myself. Days seem too long to endure. And there are tears too-lots of them.

But there’s no one I can talk to-freely and wholeheartedly. I wonder if I’m ever to smile again.

... 63

Lately I find meat-eating more and more disgusting. Whenever I happen to be served meat it seems as if my plate is covered in blood and I feel like a murderess.  

... 62

You can’t make a broken machine work; and if the machine is not entirely dead yet and fully conscious of its uselessness…poor machine.

... 61

Apparently I have a fan-go figure! A girl from the other side of the world persistently checks my other blog probably in search for answers she seems to think I can deliver. Or maybe she’s just an anonymous partner in misery. So far she has only left a couple of comments to inform me she likes what I write. One day she might gather courage to ask me something of importance to her-I’m far better at dealing with other people’s messes than with mine. If my life was in order I suppose I wouldn’t have had a reason to start a blog in the first place.  

... 60

I was thinking-if mankind has allegedly descended from Adam and Eve then I don’t see how incest could have been escaped…which would explain a lot about mankind’s innate insanity.

... 59

Today I'll be all by  myself but hopefully not all about myself. I feel best when I drown my undefined anxiety into someone else’s happiness.

What have I become?!

I received an anonymous apparently spam comment to one of my blog entries posted in mid 2007. Oh, dear. Was it really I who wrote it?! I can’t write like that now…or should I say “anymore”. The gift of gab needs passion-whether positive or negative but passion is a must. I know how I came to be what I am now. I wanted to make sure I’d be safe from harm, that I’d never be hurt again, that I’d never cry again and to avoid hurt you have to avoid caring because who you care about eventually leaves or dies and then you’re hurt; and then you cry; and then life seems deprived of any meaning at all; and then you decide never to care for anyone/anything again because you’d rather be dead than go through that hell again; and then-surprise! Hell is already planted inside you, within your very being. “The flames are all gone but the pain lingers on” sort of.     

... 58

Have you ever had that sense of sur-reality when life feels larger than itself and all the potential future might-have-beens sweep you away like a giant killer-wave and the premonition of a crucial turning-point enlightenment hits you so suddenly that it gets hard to breathe-as if you inhale not only for yourself but for all your other selfs you could be. In such moments it seems as if I see more with my eyes closed because my very being is nothing but a net of senses catching signals from past, present and future days. It’s a magical feeling.

... 57

I have neither wanted a family nor children of my own. Ever. At times that makes me feel like a freak and, to say the least, unspeakably lonely. "I'm in a crowd and I'm still alone."