... 221

All in all today wasn’t that bad-mainly because it could’ve been even worse.

... 220

Delusions are crucial for one’s sanity.

... 219

I’m losing weight-don’t know why, I feel nauseated all the time; and I know I should go to a doctor to see me but I couldn’t care less about what happens to me-as if I am someone I don’t know and would rather keep it that way.

... 218

Could it be I seek darker and darker so that I would appear lighter next to it?

... 217

Do you know how it feels the world for you to be covered with broken glass that cut your feet at every step and the air you inhale to be of razor blades that make each breath painful? This world is not my world. It is hostile and wants me out. There’s nothing in it for me.

... 216

What have I done to you people? It doesn’t matter what I say or do, does it? I won’t be accepted unless I change to fit your expectations. I can only take that much.  I only wish I knew why but no one even bothers to explain. What was so wrong that I did? I wish I knew. How can I please you without losing myself?

...215

What a hideous day. I tend to wish now and then to fall asleep and not waking up but it isn’t often that I mean it.

... 214

I feel somewhat weightless. And I like it. I like the feeling of being less present. Feels like something I want.

... 213

... 212

Was today a good day? I can’t tell. It was nerve-wracking, deadly exhausting and emotionally degrading. For a second day in a row I and my colleague had to a job meant for 5 people. We did it; of course. Job comes first, people are replaceable anyway. If I wasn’t so tired I would’ve been throwing a party to celebrate the end of the week. I want to see no one, listen to no one, go nowhere. I’m so tired I can’t even get mad at my apathy. Will it pass? Maybe; I don’t know. This shall pass, another one will come around. The light at the end of the tunnel barely flickers.

I want out.

... 211

On a day like today to believe that anything is possible is simply impossible.

... 210

I thought I had all the time in the world. Ha-ha.

... 209

How can I expect to pass into adulthood and feel comfortable in it when I still haven’t left childhood?

The joke’s on me, I know. I would’ve been the first to laugh if I knew how to fix it but I really don’t know what to do. I don’t even have a clue where to start from.

I had an unpleasant moment of revelation last night-about my parents and how they did with raising me and preparing me for real life. A job poorly done-that’s all I can say. Of course there’s a lot more I can say but it will make no difference now. Sometimes too late is too late.

It feels really lonely to have no one to ask for advice.

Messy

Sometimes I look at myself as the only person in the world incapable of finding her “significant other” and I then think “There must be something deeply wrong with me-wrong beyond the point of fixing” or “I guess I’m unworthy of a soulmate” or something of the sort-plausible enough explanations why I fail at something everybody else seems to be successful at. And some other times I think that maybe not every couple I meet has that special thing that makes life magical, that it is very possible that some people, even most people end up with someone not because he/she is “The One” but simply to escape singlehood which is apparently reckoned as much worse than being with the wrong person. Umm, thanks but no; thanks.

Is it really that way? I can not tell-there’s no way for me to know. Maybe it’s just easier for me to assume that most people get together for the sake of convenience-a merciful glass of delusion to help me swallow the bitter pill of truth. I’ll never know the truth-one of the reasons to want “never” to end sooner.

Man, this is just not right-to think that way, at my age! The way I feel…as if I’m back in high school-only worse, because back then I believed to the point of unconditional certainty that my life would work-somehow and, of course, in the best way possible. I mean, there was no other option apart from “and they lived happily ever after”. And now the only thing I’m certain about is that it’s the only option that will never work for me. Splendid.

Ah, it does help to spit my guts out. Sure, it helps just a bit and just for awhile but it’s not like I’m in a position to be picky. It feels good to be free to embarrass myself unlimitedly by saying whatever is on my derailed mind. Who’s to care anyway? One of the few privileges of being single.

The thread

I want to live just one more NIN concert before I die, just one more.

Oh, who am I fooling? “Just one” will never be enough.

I listen to NIN again-my need for it came back. I wouldn’t say that need is stronger than ever-it’s more of a coming home via new route. And I wouldn’t say my affection for NIN speaks about who I am but it has indeed, in a very significant way, defined who I have become. It’s more than just loyalty-it’s belonging. Everybody needs to belong. “Whatever makes you tick.”

I have a special relationship with “Year Zero”-a vibrant cluster of emotions is attached to it. When I play it those memories come back to life-the first time “Survivalism” was played (Barcelona), the grip of fear of the unknown (Barcelona again), the comfort of seeing Brandy walking in our direction with the envelopes with our tickets in, the anticipation building up as hours of waiting outside the venue would slowly pass by, the thrill of chit-chatting with complete strangers who seemed then to be more like my best friends rather than accidental acquaintances simply because we shared one passion, the opening of the gate and the rush to the rail to get the best spot, the buzz inside, people micro-migrating around, checking the time that seemed to had stopped, the soundcheck-that was always amusing, the some more staring at the stage so you could be the first one to shout as band members appeared one after another, and then lights would come up and time would speed up and then, as if all of a sudden, “Head like a hole” would start announcing the beginning of the end.

It all comes back when I play “Year Zero”. I guess it has never left.