... 412

Give me the strength to survive this winter without burning any bridges. Ego is an ill adviser. And so are hunger and lust but ego is the worst.

... 411

If today feels bad, enjoy it-tomorrow might be worse. And if it isn't you will be twice as happy. How you feel is a matter of choice-your choice.

... 410

Aren't you happy that next Christmas is a whole year away? I am. That "Christmas spirit" fuzz is putting my patience to a test and I'm really close to failing at it. Alas! it is impossible for others to appreciate all the words that I choose NOT to say. I guess I am not the "forgive and forget" type of person. 

... 409

Life's pretty good. I was promoted, I will see 30 Seconds to Mars (as my expressed wish was), my friends and family are in good health, winter is not as bad as I feared... what more could I ask for? Seriously, what else is there? Indulgences, nothing but indulgences. What really matters is covered. It is always better to count the pro's rather than the con's. Pro's are real to begin with.

... 408

I am excited beyond limits about the upcoming concert but there are no expectations on my part. Excellent. A lesson finally learned. With each day it all gets clearer-it's just that words have hard time catching up. As if I'm trying to talk about things about which words don't exist yet. I have no choice but to keep quiet and I'm perfectly fine with that-it isn't like anyone is dying to listen. By now I'm fine with that too. Not perfectly fine-just fine. 

Future is in colors

Most likely 30 Seconds to Mars will have just one concert after the Russian tour-the already announced show in Sopot on April 8 next year. The tickets went on sale on December 8 but I didn't rush to buy because I was hoping there will be other shows added in more preferable locations. Five days later a German friend wrote me that the filming of Suicide Squad is scheduled for mid-April meaning there probably be no other shows after Sopot. OK, Poland it is then. But when I opened the VIP tickets site all tickets were already sold out. What a tragedy! With Jared focusing on movies there might not be another tour for years :( That show in Poland was my last chance to see them, probably for the last time, and I missed it.

Still, as futile as it seemed, I kept on checking the VIP tickets site. And that paid off yesterday morning because new tickets were put for sale :) Five minutes later I was a very thrilled owner of a "Kings and Queens" ticket :) :) :) A couple of hours later I also had a flying ticket and a hotel reservation. And I'm all set to go! That last show was all I wanted and I will have it :) No matter what happens that thought will put a smile on my face. Good for me :)

And bad for my father who reacted in the most inadequate way when I brought the news to my parents. "Why on earth are you going?", " Haven't you seen them enough already?", blah-blah-blah...What the fuck is your problem? Can't you just be quietly happy for me at least once? He prides himself to be a smart man-how hard is it to realize the outcome of such a behavior? That I will simply stop sharing anything with my parents? Because if that is what he wants it will be no problem for me to grand his wish.

... 407

It's worthless-all of it. All you think, say, do has as much weight as a single grain of sand has amid the other millions and billions grains of sand. You think that thought is scary? On the contrary, my silly friend. Accepting it is the key to ultimate freedom. And it will only cost you your ego. Your precious ego.

... 406

A week or two ago (I didn't bother to remember) I felt a small lump under my right arm. The first time I thought it was just my imagination. By now I'm sure it isn't imaginary-it is there. I should probably see a doctor.

Alright, not "probably" and not "should". Must. Must see a doctor. But I still haven't.

I didn't panic. Why didn't I? Most people would. And my reaction was "Hmm, what do you know... "

Oh well, I didn't want to get old to begin with. Maybe if I had something to lose I would've cared more. Or if it were to happen in spring or summer. In winter life is...let's say less tempting.

I didn't know I could be so selfish. Or vengeful. "Passive-aggressive" by the book. Maybe the stubbornness of a Cancer is not a myth after all.

Got dark?

It's not that I have a taste for the wicked - I just have a taste for what laughs at conformity and is not afraid to set its foot into the dark side. What a relief that I no longer feel obligated to explain myself. It is no challenge to  get what you see - the unseen can be far more interesting. If not else it expands the boundaries of tolerance. All you can lose is your fear.

... 405

OK, the first week of December is down the drain, three more to go. When the present is somewhere you don't want to be the only way to endure it is to think small scale. Cut it in pieces, dismember it into small chunks easier to chew and swallow. Get through the day, get through the week awaiting the moment when it will be safe to take the blindfold off.