... 404

I'm currently past words. The important is obvious, hence it doesn't need to be said. And the unimportant isn't worth the waste of time to begin with. 
I love a good conversation, I really do. But it is hard to find people who need to be silent about the same things as I do.

... 403

The only way for people to go on with their lives is if they believe their lives are of importance. Which isn't so. Sorry, folks. The idea that all people are born equal is beautiful and for a miniscule fraction of time might be even true but once life begins shit happens and your control over your life usually ends up with wiping your butt. Most people are working bees and a working bee can become a queen only in a Disney movie. 

And that truth isn't as tragic as it appears at first, objectively speaking. It is only tragic for the subject who lives in a world of grey and dreams in colors. And to that I can deeply relate. And here's where the transience of life comes to the rescue. To know that in 50 years from now I won't be here to beat my mind with regrets and futile could've-should've-would'ves makes it possible for me to endure my mold and occasionally even enjoy it.

Seriously, what reasons do you have to expect other people to think of you better than you think of them? What makes you more special than them? I'm not special and the sooner I come to terms with that the better. Better for me, of course, because clearly I'm the only one who cares to begin and end with.

Maybe that's why I find comfort in dark music in all of it disturbing down-spiriting/raging variations-because it doesn't pretend to be nice. And maybe because it is the opposite of conformity. Am I so afraid of conformity? Or that vain?

... 402

I was thinking about sincerety. I've never been completely, 100 % honest with anyone. A shadow of censorship always watches over my shoulder poking me to mind my words. There are certain thoughts I could never afford to reveal to anyone, even my journal. Some of it are inhumane, some are shamelessly vain and some are simply insane. Maybe that is not such a bad thing-to have parts of me concealed from everyone, like a trust fund for the rainiest of days; and if I happen to lose what I have shared with others I would still have my trust fund to start over with.

That's one way to put it. Another way is to admit that apparently there isn't anyone in my life that I trust completely. It is amusing how the choice of perspective makes the difference between being mysterious and simply pathetic, isn't it?

... 401

I had that giant shoebox full to the top with all the prints I've ever needed for the trips I've made so far dating back to early 2007. Past tense-the shoebox is empty; yesterday I threw all of its content. I have this habit of keeping everything when I'm on the road so apart from the electronic flight tickets, hotel reservations and printed maps there were also public transport tickets, hotel invoices, receipts (even cappuccino receipts)-all evidences I have been to these places were inside that box. Throwing away the first few pieces of paper was tough-as useless as they were but there was a strong sentiment attached to each one. 5-day Vienna pass from March 2007 and voila! -my mind goes back to those crazy days.

All gone.

You know, I was hoping that discarding that pseudo memorabilia would have a therapeutic effect of some sort but it didn't. It was just a pile of paper that went to the garbage can and that was it. What could've been a symbolic purgatory came out as a trivial housework. I feel somewhat cheated. Wishful thinking is no longer enough. I'm hungry for something real.

... 400

Dogs can never disappoint you. With humans that's only a matter of time.

I miss my dog.

,,, 399

There was that e-card I saw some time ago that said "When work feels overwhelming remember you are going to die."

Yes, I know, some day I will die. And at times that's the only solace that works for me-to know that one day ultimate freedom will be mine. Does that count for positive thinking?

... 398

And as if to confirm that nothing stays the same forever one of my followers unfollowed me. What was the matter? I was too depressed for you? Not depressed enough? Alas! people rarely turn out to be as interesting as we imagine them to be; or as we hope to be for others. 

... 397

I'm desperate for some good news, any good news. There, I said it. And I couldn't care less about how pathetic that makes me. Desperation has nothing to do with dignity to begin with.

Yes, I know good news will come.  Eventually. Nothing stays the same forever. The Sun will die; eventually. Timing is of essence. Everything that might happen will happen at some point so it is not a question of "what" but of "when". I bet Vincent van Goth would've wished to have had received recognition in his lifetime.

... 396

When the situation is shitty it’s shitty and that’s it. Accepting it doesn't make it better. I’ll turn to positive thinking again when I have a reason-the same way I’ll believe in God when I have a proof for his(her? its?) existence.