In-sight

I see best with my eyes closed

Handcuffing reason with a dream

For I’m afraid it might impose

A trammeling embrace around me.

I want to run instead to stumble

Onto someone’s a “no one” deprecation

I want to smile instead to grumble

Remorsefully about a missed vocation.

For there’s existence and there is life-

Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference

But once you’ve left your spirit fly

Your heart will know what’s true and what false is.

... 208

I had a weird dream-I kissed someone in my sleep. And it wasn’t an innocent friendly kiss on the cheek but a passionate full contact kiss. I don’t know who that was but I’m pretty sure I’ve never met him. And he was a smoker. I know that because I felt the taste in my mouth so vividly as if it was actually happening. And I liked it. Go figure.

Doom-ish

Oh my, now I see so clearly that I will never be at peace-not in my lifetime I mean and, for all I know, there will be no sequel for me. The only things that thrill me are the things that exist only in people’s imagination. The only things I find to make life worth living (or should I say “enduring” ?) don’t exist for real. Of course that doesn’t come as a surprise-I knew it all along but pretended not to. Undoubtedly it’s a reaction of denial but of what? What caused it? And, which is more important for me now, what am I going to wake up for from now on knowing the magic I long for will never be there for me-because it just isn’t anywhere? 

I always look to a human life as a book that comes into being with blank pages and once all the pages are written it gets tossed to the garbage. Some books, not many, survive a bit longer in libraries but at some point they too vanish as if they've never been at all. I am halfway through my book but I don’t need to be a fortune-teller to know how it ends. All books end the same.  I feel like an idiot knowing I am expected to do what thousands and thousands of people before me have done . It absolutely sickens me.

... 207

“Something I can never have”…the story of my almost-life. I’ve never been wise with choosing my objects of desire-it’s unlikely to start picking them more wisely now.

... 206

I don’t think I don’t know what life is about-I just refuse to accept it without putting up a fight. If something is a certain way it doesn’t mean it is supposed to be that way. I don’t see the point in survival if you are to lose your soul along the way.

Toothy

I have an idea for a vampire movie. The protagonist is a vampire who feeds on evil people solely and only thus making the world a safer and better place; a social worker…sort of. And he goes by the name of Robin Tooth. And given that vampires are immortal the number of sequels would be unlimited.

OK, last nigh I watched “Twilight” again. And I liked it even more than I did the first time and the first time I completely loved it. None of my friends or colleagues likes that movie-well, the truth is all of them think it’s the stupidest movie ever. And I…huh, when it was over I couldn’t fall asleep out of excitement. Embarrassing isn’t it? I, who am of age to be a mother of a teenager, to be 100 % behind the screaming army of teenage fans. Yes, really embarrassing. What can I do when I find the world of grown-ups to be a dreadful place full of serious and self-absorbed people?

And another thing-none of my lady friends finds the Edward character even a bit appealing. Umm, let me see-the pale skin, the slim body, the fragile appearance, the mystery in those eyes…out-and-out my dream type. The unworldly type.

But, of course, looks counts for nothing without matching personality, without the wholeheartedly unconditional declaration of devotion. I think that death wouldn’t be as scary if you’ve had something like that at least once in your lifetime. Because that is that scares me about my own death-that it might come before I’ve had the chance to experience an emotion so strong and fulfilling that it would make my existence worth. Imagine someone looking at you with such adoration-it would be to die for. Life is precious when there’s something precious in it; otherwise it’s just a waste of time.

... 205

If life isn’t in love with me then I won’t be in love with life. And if it decides to leave me so be it. Sometimes I think I keep on living out of mere stubbornness. 
No, I'm not suicidal. Not yet that is. I'm just not thrilled about life...yet again. I have the right to express discontent don't I? 'cause it fucking sickens me right now. And yesterday. And the day before yesterday. And the week before this week. And... oh, OK, whatever. 

... 204

I still have no news from my friend. She messaged me yesterday morning “It’s all over now. Tomorrow I’ll be as good as new.” It’s already tomorrow. I hope to hear from her soon ‘cause not knowing is killing me.

About a hope

It was some four years ago. There was that person on MySpace I cared about. He had been offline for weeks. One evening I got home from work and turned my PC on just to see if he was still aloof. He was-his profile was silent. I got immensely sad and despaired-I feared he was off for good. And I started praying “Come back” saying it to myself over and over, concentrating my thought on it really hard. 5 min later he was online.

Coincidence? I hope not because today I tried that again but this time I prayed for my best friend’s happiness. Tomorrow I’ll know if it has worked. Desperate people pray. Desperate people pray even when there’s no hope left.

Pray with me.

... 203

What I miss the most about traveling abroad are the conversations in English. Ah, I’d love to London again…but I still don’t dare to set my foot in that city.

... 202

Easter passed-a holiday associated in these parts not so much with religion but more with Easter cake and, even more specifically, with eating piles of it. But not me-I didn’t even had a bite (one bite will lead to another and so one and so on-thanks but I’ve played this game far too many times to know the ending is always ugly) so when I go work tomorrow all my female colleagues will whine about how Easter feast has busted their diet and will once again ask how come I am so skinny. Did I force you to eat, did I? It’s irritating how people make remarks on my slimness as if preserving it is effortless. It isn’t. Yes, I’m pleased my weight is the same as it was in high school and, yes, it comes with a price. Everything has a price. “It's better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done”. That’s a nice piece of practical wisdom (verified mostly from the distance of time) but eating is one area it doesn’t apply to.
And, boy, you can't imagine how much I love food.

... 201

As soon as my other blog’s entries turned openly depressive visits dropped. That’s alright-I’ve never sought popularity in the first place. I know that lately I seem to have broken my do-not-whine rule but what else are blogs about if not for letting your inner demons out now and then to play and locking them back once they’re done? Alleviation-that’s what I was after. It doesn’t work very well lately-not as well as it did at least. So what’s next?

If I only knew…

If only someone else cared…

... 200

More than ever I wonder and can’t understand why people that care about me still do it. Lately I always have the feeling I’m wrong in everything I do and that I’m especially wrong when I do nothing at all; as if my mere existence is a mistake and I shouldn’t be here at all.  

... 199

Damn American series portraying affectionate family relations and parents hugging their children and telling them how much they love them and care for them and how much they are proud of them. Do such relations really exist-in real life I mean? I can’t even imagine it. Maybe I should study psychology and be my own therapist. 

Damn American series.

... 198

There’s a blog I follow. This girl, this…woman-she keeps her words to a bare minimum choosing them so accurately that they attain maximum effect. She’s in love and she’s loved back and the way she speaks about it is heartbreakingly moving. How does one grow to be so wonderful as to be blessed with an emotion of such beauty? How?

... 197

Lights, please. A single ray of light will do-I need to be reminded what it felt like. There are 7 billion people on this planet-there just has to be someone else speaking my language. There just has to be someone justifying my existence. I need to believe that. Don’t you?

Dreams are not as comfortong as they were.

... 196

I made another donation to the Animal Rescue Center. There was an exclusively disturbing picture of an injured dog on their wall and they were urgently collecting money for him. I was intending to donate anyway but hopefully my money meant the difference between death and life for that poor soul.

I need someone to love. Preferably a pet-it's less stressful and demanding and more rewarding. But then again what do I know about love? To me it’s a fiction-like lucky stars and good karma. 

... 195

I just found an old shopping list jotted down on a piece of paper. One of the items on it is “to buy food for Vincent”. Oh, dear...

... 194

I have this idea about not leaving my home today and have a day of total physical seclusion-just me, the couch and the TV. It just feels safer this way. Cowardish but above all safer. That way no hopes will end up broken.

... 193

I want to hug a puppy.

... 192

The day was so fucked up I’ll be almost happy to go to work tomorrow. Just almost but not more.

... 191

The bright wonderful future we picture for the world would’ve had far greater chances of realization if the human factor were to be extracted from it-literally, metaphorically, in any way possible.  Sorry, you cannot have your cake and eat it too.