... 30

The agony not to be able to go to a gig you’d die to go to and read afterwards in the reviews “The best concert in my life!”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmm, I don’t feel even a bit better.

Some poet I am...

 Who's to know anyway?

The life I never chose to have: it has

the sweetest scent of brimming rapture; so

distant and untouched in its perfection; so

fascinating in its could’ve been-ess.

I sink my hungry teeth to taste

illusions fleshless and divine.

My beggar’s feast-I suck them dry

of juices; there will be no waste.

What heals a bleeding soul

of wounds invisible and scars transparent?

The body’s whole but heart’s devoured;

skin shivers from internal cold.

Desires too obscure to name,

too precious to be vocalized,

too fragile to be touched by eyes-

desires burning like a flame.

I am a martyr in that flame

though I have never been a saint

and with my pain I come to claim

the life I never chose to have.

... 29

I’m having insane fun reading Russian forums about last night’s Placebo gig in Moscow. Russian is a beautiful language-very rich and descriptive. Apparently the gig was absolutely amazing and that is great of course and yet I can’t help to feel every cell in my body brimming with jealousy-it’s still quite unbearable to think that just might’ve been the last Placebo show in my life. And I have no other choice but to hope that future will prove me wrong. Will it help if I promise to be a good girl?

... 28

Must have been a trick of light or a mere hallucination. But the thought just wouldn’t let me rest. Fuck.

... 27

I love those extra lines at the end of the single version. They make the song sound so…passionate and from the heart; and there is pain too-like a drop of blood leaking from a thorn wound.

Lucky September 13th

I can’t stop replaying the Monday gig in my mind-primarily because I don’t want to :) And I can’t stop telling everyone how amazing Placebo were-because each time as if I relive the show once more. Is it me or indeed a magical bond between band and fans was created that night? Brian did say we were great but that might have been just courtesy and good manners. Oh, I’d so much like to hear that mentioned somewhere else.

Anyway, I’ve taken my decision and there won’t be another Placebo concert for me; not on this tour-there’s too little time. How could I know it was going to be so heartwarming and soulsoothing?! How could I know it would make me so happy?! I feel so special to have been there and to have been a part of it. Oh, my…

Where the fuck is my mind?!

I’m still oblivious from Monday night.

every cloud is grey

dreams of yesterday

Brixton Academy seems almost impossible to reach. Damn.

Everything does seem grey now.

... 26

From sky-high to bottom-down: now I’m officially sad it’s over :(

... 25

Tomorrow I’ll order “Battle for the sun” and “Trigger happy hands”. Why? Because that is the only way I can say thank you to the bands that bothered to come to my country and saved me a fortune on travel expenses.

Pure pleasure

Placebo last night...oh, dear! It couldn't have been any better! Real life and its little pesky worldly attributes will have to wait for another day-I’m still floating in the arms of happiness and it’s such a wonderful place to be :)

... 24

Tomorrow I’ll go back to carrying my burden and will do it obediently and responsibly but today no ill thoughts are allowed, nothing wrong should happen and worries are banned. Please, can I have one perfect day? Just one day.

... 23

I’m taking a crash course in the “Battle for the sun” album or at least in the six songs from it that are on the setlist for the tonight’s concert. It is so much more fun when you can sing along with the band :)

I hope it all goes well tonight. No, I hope it goes great-my set of heartwarming memories needs refreshing.

... 22

I've waited for that Placebo concert for 7 years. Oh, please, please, let tomorrow be the most wonderful day ever! I need so badly a day of magic to restore my hope.

... 21

To belong. I’ve never felt that. Sadness is suffocating. And the question is not how much longer I can endure that imitation of life of mine (as long as it is necessary; it’s not as if I have a choice) but will there be anything worth saving left of me?

... 21

I miss love. No; I've never had love. I must miss being in love then. But my heart is dead. I'll never have even that again.
What's the use of living when there's no hope?

... 20

Oh, my! I just found out that a couple of years ago I’ve bookmarked Crystal Castles’ MySpace profile intending to suggest it to Mr.Chimp as worth checking out. Such an add coincidence. Disturbing too. Christ, I miss that time.