"Just get away from me'cause
I'll never be who you want me to be"
Tuesday 30 November 2010
... 41
Is it possible to get drunk with happiness? 'cause my head feels dizzy already.
What have I done to deserve this? Or maybe there's something I have to do in return? Apart from replying to those people who contacted me on FB-people I didn't expect to hear from again and yet 3 friends I love dearly requested me today.
A friend I thought was no longer my friend contacted me on Facebook. He sent me a friends request and I accepted it. Huh, I'm not sure what I should say to him. But I guess he's no longer mad at me.
“You do not stop hungering for your father’s love, even after you are grown up.”
Paul Auster, “The invention of solitude”
Curious, his father never showed him, not even for a fraction of a second, that he loved him. And yet, there isn’t even a hint at accusation in his words. A slight touch of regret for the chances missed but aside from that-nothing. It must be the American way-to leave home at an early age; he just hasn’t had the time to feel there was a gap that had to be filled.
“crushed with happiness”-a phrase of three words only but so powerful in its despair.
Is it possible to build a life of your own as a mature person before resolving issues inherited from the past, before healing still open childhood wounds? And what if the answer is “no”? All that time irretrievably lost, vanished like raindrops in the sand, wasted foolishly and irresponsibly. We don’t have all the time in the world-it just seems like forever when we’re unhappy. The futility of my existence as an individual makes me feel doomed.
I secretly pride myself to be different and that is based primarily upon my proneness to focus on the big picture rather than my tiny little insignificant world. But what if I’m simply afraid to look at myself and my life? What if I’m simply afraid to face the fact I have no life at all to look at?
Do you suppose someone else’s mind is troubled the same way? Umm, hardly. There are few maybe, too few. Anyway, I don’t know a single person who would take those ramblings for something different than the raving of a deranged mind.
There’s a line in “The book of tea”: Words cannot voice delight, for the eye has no tongue.
That is why feelings are unique and words are not. The luckiest people are those who find someone they can speak with without words. The purest communication. Feelings don’t lie. Words do.
A blank day. I was kind of hoping my good energy from yesterday might result in some wonderful surprise, some magic that is so vital for me…alas! I completely forgot that I don’t believe in destiny and karma. And why should I? One should do good just because that is what’s right and not because one expects to be rewarded.
I can’t help to think about all the good things that my NIN fanship led to. Being a NIN fan changed my life radically and for the better-it made me come out of my shell just to find out life was not to be feared but enjoyed. It transformed me from a social freak to an almost normal person. And for that I’ll be forever grateful.
It is saddening though to lose something of such a great value. I think it was the lie I sensed that made me turn my back and walk away. It was so obvious at the last concert-TR sang with no feeling at all. He was just doing his job, like a machine. And why wouldn’t he? All those lyrics speak of self-hatred, self-annihilation, anger and despair, absence of hope and the hell within oneself-none of it is now relevant to him for he’s now not the person that wrote them. I guess I’m not too.
A month ago I deleted NIN from my mp3 player. It broke my heart to realize there was nothing for me there-not anymore; not now at least. How could I go from a burning obsession to nearly hostile indifference?! How is that possible!? For 20 years that music and those lyrics meant the world for me. I feel so terribly alone now. I hope that’s not really the end.
I must learn to travel light-I carry too much bags from the past. But how do I do that? I’m afraid to let past go because I might be left with nothing.
The world is upside down today-everybody’s grumpy, I’m cheerful; everybody’s playing a drama queen and I’m smiling. WTF?! Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around?
I’m so tired. Please just let me get home and take care of my dog. And dream a little dream in the meantime.
VH1 have taken this weekend one of their favorite walks down the memory lane with a mixture of hits from the 70’s through the late 90’s which perfectly goes along with my mood-I’m cleaning around the house dancing and singing those familiar tunes. And I feel great! What is going on? Why am I so shiny?
I know why. It’s the movie I saw on TV last night-“Twilight”. I missed it in the movie theatres (well, I didn’t miss it; I just didn’t bother to go and see it) so last night I saw it for the first time. And…and…huh, one would say I’m a teenager, but I found it absolutely captivating from the first to the very last second! It’s not a vampire movie-it’s all about love. The kind of love that can exist only in a fiction and never in real life. Unconditional and unquestionable love; impossible love, defying logic and prejudices-the ultimate romance.
A month or two ago TR recommended on Twitter the Crystal Castles’ debut album and , because over the (oh, so many) years I’ve realized our taste in music is quite similar, I gave it a try and it was no surprise I absolutely loved it.
Last week I was going through my bookmarks and got to the Mr. Chimp folder. It was created a couple of years ago and it was meant to storage MySpace profiles of bands I thought TR might like. There are only two bookmarked profiles in that folder. One of them is Crystal Castles. Discovering that felt weird, so weird.
