Saturday 25 June 2011

... 75

"(on grief) And you do come out of it, that’s true. After a year, after five. But you don’t come out of it like a train coming out of a tunnel, bursting through the downs into sunshine and that swift, rattling descent to the Channel; you come out of it as a gull comes out of an oil-slick. You are tarred and feathered for life."
Julian Barnes (Flaubert's Parrot)

Friday 24 June 2011

A self-portrait?


The odds are that I am unnecessarily and/or unrealistically hard on myself but those lyrics stuck like a knife in my heart. It all sounds disturbingly familiar…except for the “too clever” part of course:

Sunday 19 June 2011

... 74

I’m just not happy with what seems to be enough for other people. And it’s not that I want more-I just need different.  If it wasn’t so I would’ve been happy by now. 

I’m so unnervingly restless-as if I’m hunting down an invisible prey. Stupid wishful thinking.

... 73

It is unquestionably not normal to feel bad and to assume that feeling bad is nothing but normal...as if I don't deserve other.

Saturday 18 June 2011

... 72

I just read a movie is to be made about Jeff Buckley’s life. I remember a year before Vincent passed away when he was still hanging on and yet it was clear the end was not far away I used to sing in my mind “Halleluiah” and was ready to believe in anything that would save him.  I miss him terribly. I wish he was here to say “I’m sorry” for each time I mistreated him. I wish I could trade my life for his. I wish.

Sunday 12 June 2011

... 71


Yesterday was hellish. I felt like an animal trapped in the middle of a raging fire. It’s been long since I last felt so destructively hopeless; so long I’d almost forgot how it felt but it isn’t something one can forget for good. Sometimes a spark is all it takes to ignite a memory lingering in a dark corner of the mind-the skeleton closet, the locked attic, the haunted house that no one is supposed to enter for an evil sleeps in there, waiting to be unleashed. Yesterday that evil proved itself to be very much alive and kicking eating my heart out. “Who needs a heart when…” Well, I do. Reason is what tells what is right for you. Heart is what tells what is right; period. Mercy is the essence of humanity-to spare what/who you have the power to destroy, to raise a hand not to hit but to help. Why am I willing to show mercy to anyone else but myself?

Saturday 11 June 2011

... 70

This too shall pass…eventually. Life, that is.  

I messed it up big time didn’t I? Life, that is. I suppose it couldn’t have been any other way considering I’m a mess for the past 20 years. No one knows I feel that way because I don’t talk about it. At least that’s a sin I can’t be accused of-I’d only murmur a word or two to my closest friend and I guess she doesn’t get me at all. That’s OK. That’s what blogs are about. No one knows…but I do. Is that why I don’t let anyone close? To keep the truth a secret? As if that matters...
It might be just a pre-birthday crisis.
Damn I feel down; so fucking down. 

Sunday 5 June 2011

... 69

I'm irritated when some music/a poem/a book/a movie is reffered to as "depressing". Depression comes from within; it can not be implemented by external factors if there isn't already an internal ground for it. Nothing will grow if a seed isn't planted ahead. Fear not shiny happy people-it's not contageous.

I remember being a happy child. What the hell happened? 

Saturday 4 June 2011

... 68

A man who once was madly in love with me is now madly in love with someone else. I'm only happy for him. He's a good man and deserves to be happy. Love is a blessing...I might not be worthy of.