... 250

When I care, I get hurt; when I don’t, I feel useless. It’s a no-win situation for me isn’t it? I guess I should stick to the “I care” option-at least someone wins even if it isn’t me.  The trouble is that after a long line of no-wins I feel an idiot. 

... 249

I’m in trouble but it’s not even worth defining it since there’s no one to listen. I know people don’t have to but friends are not just “people” and I’m not sure if I have any of those left around-they all seem so distant, so unresponsive; it’s scary. It’s just that waking up and getting out of bed in the morning seems meaningless. I need someone to convince me it isn’t so. Even a lie would do.

... 248

I must learn to stop feeling pain over things that are out of my control and responsibility. It’s a mystery to me how other people do it. But I guess that’s not something one can learn.

... 247

The stench from the shelter is still in my nose-I know it’s only in my head because after returning from the shelter I had a long bath and washed the clothes so there’s nothing in the house the smell could still be on.

It went well yesterday, even great considering my somber expectations. If not else, those 6 hours almost completely washed out the horror of the past week at the office. Dogs are such fine creatures. Humans don’t deserve them.

... 246

Though it seemed I’d never see the end of it the work week from hell finally came to a closure. The trouble is I’ll need more than those miserable couple of weekend days to recover. I’m still tensed, I still feel like screaming and biting someone’s head off. All I want now is to lock myself home, see no one, speak to no one, and to just huddle up on the couch and stare blankly at the wall. I so much don’t feel like going to the shelter today :( But I have to-not only I feel morally obliged but I also promised to go. Feels like living in a nightmare.

... 245

Oh, ha. I’m trying to put some order in the chaos at home-for a third day already? I’m not sure when was that I started but it doesn’t go very well because cleaning requires throwing things out every once (twice is even better) in awhile which I, apparently, suck at-in a drawer I found a big envelope full of prints of love letters addressed to me; unfortunately I couldn’t reply with love to the sender and he eventually couldn’t settle for friendship alone (and who could blame him? surely not I.) But those letters are good, really good. How come I was worthy of them!? I’m not throwing those letters to the garbage of course. I’ll put them back in the envelope and the envelope back in the drawer and in 10 years, if I’m still alive, I’ll open it and find those letters and will be, just as I was today, amazed at to how come I’ve ever been worthy of love letters so good. Dwelling in the past may be unhealthy but it’s even worse to show your memories the door when the present hasn’t even asked for a date. 

... 244

Last night brought a crucial personal enlightenment. Up until now wishful thinking has kept me blindfolded but, as Poirot says, “The truth, it has the habit of revealing itself.” The truth isn’t as spectacular as it is in Agatha Christie’s elaborated plots; no. Nevertheless it is vital for me. I will never have the Love. Or any for that matter. What love requires-I can not do it. Or maybe I can but it’s unlikely someone would be willing to be that patient with me until I eventually figure that out. So this is it. Pity, for I do believe love to be the only compensation for the brutality of life one can hope for. Ah, I have no idea if I’m still capable of loving anyone to begin with; anyone human that is. Like the troubled dogs at the shelter-you have to constantly give them all your affection not knowing if they will ever open their hearts for you.

... 243

Today one of my FB friends changed her status from “in a relationship” to “married”. And that depressed me even deeper because… No, I am not jealous; how could I be!? I’m happy for her although I’ll never understand the whole idea of marriage (if you already have someone you’re willing to marry how it could possibly matter if you’re actually married to that person?). It’s just that everybody seems to move on-maybe not the way I would’ve chosen for myself but they move on. I don’t. What’s worse-I don’t have even the slightest idea where I want to get to.