... 259

There is nothing left in my heart-no forgiveness, no sympathy, no gratitude; neither there is hope nor faith. There is nothing that would kindle a spark to disperse the gloom of mundane predictable morbidness and so I stay blind to what may lie beyond the mist hovering over my tired mind. As if I’m at the bottom of a well that runs so deep that no light comes in. 

I've accumulated too much anger; way too much. 

... 258

From the beginning of October up until now I have donated to the Bogrov dog shelter roughly some 30 % of my September salary. And October isn’t over yet. I wonder if that’s enough to have bought myself out from going to the shelter this weekend.  After a day at the shelter I’m an utter mess; I can’t sleep and when I do I have nightmares. Either way I’ll feel miserable. Lucky me.

... 257

Listening to My Dying Bride feels like wrapping myself with a warm blanket on a cold day.

... 256

So here I am-with one foot in my forties (looking younger though-or so my friends say so; and if they are simply merciful in their comments does that make them good or no good friends?).

Sometimes I think of how it will be-the last gasp of air, the beginning of nothingness, the grip of death while I’m still conscious to be aware of what’s happening. Sometimes the picture my imagination paints is almost physically tangible. And, yes, it is scary. I suppose fear of death is instinctive and can not be beaten by reason. Pity, for my reason tells me we’re only truly free in death. 

... 255

Slipping, slipping, slipping down even further. Is there a bottom to it at all? As if my hands are paralyzed and I can’t reach them out to hold on to something, anything.

... 254

What doesn’t kill me doesn’t make me stronger-it only makes me angrier. I guess to people aggression and strength are one and the same. How sad for people. 

... 253

I am, no matter how unpleasant it is for me to face it, focused exclusively on myself. That wouldn’t have been so upsetting if the only things about myself I was focused on were not the negative ones. I only see what is wrong about me, I only notice what others do and I don’t, I always find something exceptional about almost anyone else and nothing about me. I know my sense of self-evaluation is completely derailed and that recently I’m unable to have a clear look at the situation but that’s of little help if any.  

... 252

I’m sick of always minding everyone else’s feelings, of always trying to see things from everyone else’s perspective. I need to get even now and then. Sorry, boys and girls, but today isn’t the best day to put my patience to the test ‘cause I just might give as good as I get.  Let’s say it’s Judgment day today.  Back off.

... 251

I must find new friends. Flying to the moon seems easier and less scary. I guess the first thing I must do is drop that attitude.