Hmm...

“I’m too spoiled by independence” said Phillip Marlow to a lady millionaire who offered him to marry her. Story of my life…except from the millionaire part of course.

A wolf-shaped cloud

I took the picture yesterday morning on my way to work:

Reality check

Reality is an illusion actually. Very few matters are definite. Like: the Earth is the third planet from the sun, life precedes death and death surely follows life, my love for my dog. Such things are unquestionable, unconditional. Everything else is a matter of a point of view.

Stills...and three cats

"Don't stop the dance"

Currently reading the latest Haruki Murakami book published in Bulgarian-“Dance, dance, dance”. One day the main character as if awakes from a long sleep just to realize he’s lost. He’s been withdrawn from the world for far too long. He gets an advice: Don’t stop to dance because if you do you will never find your way back to the real world.

Do I still remember how to dance?

"No more shows"

I just noticed the sign in the upper banner on nin.com. It ruthlessly says “Right now: No more shows.”
OK, OK, I still can’t cope with that (not that I have an alternative) but I did think there would be something like an official farewell. None so far. That sucks.

"You can choose to believe"

Despair is if not an old friend but an old acquaintance at the very least. It’s been around for so long that its presence and comings and goings are no longer a matter I care to pay attention to at all. It became an inseparable part of the picture in a way. But it varies and now and then it shows a face that catches me by surprise. Most of the times it is a stage act inspired by true events-it is experience based but it contains a substantial amount of self-inflicted drama that I usually leave unattended due to either lack of energy or time; or both. But a few days ago in two consecutive days it was different. It wasn’t the familiar “nothing makes sense but a little fire of hope something good might happen still throws a light” type of mood. The darkness was total and for a little while I fully realized nothing made sense and nothing ever would. As if truth pressed me like a giant rock. I saw my future life like a straight line leading nowhere. One of those “why bother walking?” moments.

Isn't it ironic...

...that my name means "faith"? Sure it is. Well, happy name day to me. I treated myself by ordering the new ZOOT WOMAN album. I could probably find it on a torrent but the boys did such a great job with that album that I insist to pay for it. And I just did. Now I can't wait to get it and put it in the player.

Buffoons ;)

Caught a part of MTV Music Awards ceremony this morning. Had the “pleasure” of tuning in right in the middle of Lady GaGa’s performance. She’s obviously trying to be “Marilyn Manson of pop music”-not convincingly at all by my account but everyone else seems to buy it which is just another nail in the coffin of the self-proclaimed as the cherry on the top of the evolutionary cake human civilization. Let me have the cake and keep the cherry for yourself, thank you. The whole celebrity fuss always seems so ridiculous. I mean those people are merely particles of dust caught in a ray of light for a fraction of a second but they behave as if they are the centre of the galaxy. Am I jealous at them? For heaven’s sake no. I’m too busy to feel good right now-not only VAC has a new song that I absolutely love but in addition the new Zoot Woman’s album is adorable :)

A new VAC song!

And I looooooooove it :)

Naturally born stupid

My sympathy for people is temporarily (?) on hiatus. I used to be compassionate and understanding about their flaws but every day I’m confronted with numerous evidences for the lack of willingness to correct those flaws and that goes beyond my capacity for tolerance. Humans as a whole are an enterprise gone wrong. I’m no different I guess. But I try-if not to make things better then at least not to make them any worse. Live and live-is that so hard to do? Sadly selfishness is probably one of the most defining human characteristics.

A dead-end maze

Animal world is basically simply structured. Survival of the fittest, the big fish eats the small fish etc. Does this mean humans do against their nature by trying to follow the exactly opposite philosophy? Who decided what’s right and what’s wrong? Oh dear, I entered that vicious circle again.

As if it was yesterday...

I just saw the "Something I can never have" performance at the Wiltern on Sept 10th. It's perfect. It felt like the first time I heard it. The power of those lyrics will never expire for me. The beauty of this song will live to the end of my world.

Food for thought

One of my favorite quotes from "Crimes and Misdemeanors":

Professor Levy: Now the unique thing that happened to the early Israelites was that they conceived a God that cares. He cares, but at the same time he also demands that you behave morally. But here comes the paradox. What’s one of the first things that that God asks: that God asks Abraham to sacrifice his only son, his beloved son to him. In other words, in spite of millennia of efforts we have not succeeded to create a really and entirely loving image of God. This was beyond our capacity to imagine.

I envy religious people. To be backed by religion is quite an advantage. It can always come to the rescue by providing a solution…in this life or another.

My sweet denial

Denial is mind’s life vest to assure its survival in extraordinary situations.

I refuse to accept it’s all over for me. No wonder I choose denial over accepting the inevitable truth I will never ever be so happy again. Ever. I can not “wave goodbye”. Sorry. For me of course. The reasonable part of me is revolted by the drama queen that my other part is but it is my fucking drama and I will cry all the tears I have until my sadness is dried up.

Is this really The End?

A regular NIN concert setlist consists of 20 tracks. The last ever NIN concert in LA finished not more than an hour ago and the posted setlist contains…37 tracks.

I’m miserable. Very.

Even if I bought a ticket to that last show I still wouldn’t have made it because tonight’s show was rescheduled from Sept 5^th and flight and hotel reservations are almost impossible to be rescheduled. I even should consider myself lucky for not having a ticket because right now I would’ve been flat broke without attending the last ever NIN gig and be twice as miserable.

Still it sucks to be me right now.