... 242

I was just about to say I wished at least one thing happened the way I wanted it when something happened just as I wanted it. I take my thought back.

... 241

Boy I feel shitty today. I must have had some expectations apparently left unmet-that would explain the consuming feeling of doomed reality and hopelessness. But that’s just it-no matter how reasonable an explanation is it can’t silence the cry inside. What if I can’t shut it off? And to think only there are so many people who even once in a lifetime don’t feel that way. Lucky bastards.

... 240

I just unfriended on FB someone who was and still is very dear to me. But we haven’t spoken to each other in almost two years and not because I don’t want to-it is he who refuses to have any contact with me. I can understand that. He has a girl; he’s in love (good for you, my friend). I don’t blame him for making a stranger of me-he wanted more than just friendship but that was all I could offer. And now apparently I no longer exist for him and while he’s on my list of FB friends I keep hoping for a word from him and that’s painful. He won’t even notice I have unfriended him so no harm is done.

... 239

Lately as if all I do is to comfort everyone that seems to be in need of it. Funny thing-it works. And now and then I even get public acknowledgment and gratitude for my efforts…which feels really special but is totally unexpected-I just do what I feel is right. But sometimes…sometimes I wish someone comforted me for a change. I’m not almighty and I’m certainly not made of steel. Must be my human nature catching me by surprise.

... 238

Dogs are truly amazing-no one else’s love is so undeserved and so unlimited. Pity that people are too self-absorbed to appreciate the generosity.

... 237

My mother really got on my nerves yesterday. She called me around 7 pm and asked how my day was. I said “I just got back from the shelter.” And in reply I heard “What the hell are you doing with your life!” Excuse me?! Now you are inquiring about my life? Where were you 20 years ago? 15? 10? I have finally found something I know is right and you’re trying to talk me out of it? Damn I hate hypocrites! It’s one thing to be let down by a stranger or acquaintance or even a friend but parents are supposed to support you and encourage you…aren’t they? No wonder I want to adopt a dog to have that unconditional nonjudgemental affection that everyone needs. Passing love around is the one thing that gives a meaning to life.

... 236

I’m not going to the dog shelter today. I was there yesterday but there were only 6 or 7 of us which meant that for a single cage each volunteer had to make 4 rounds (2 rounds a dog) and because volunteers were insufficient I had to walk 2 dogs at once; and in between cages I had to carry buckets of fresh water for the dogs-because the dink it, they play in it (it gives them pleasure to jump in the water and splash it around which is fine but the water is all muddy after they’re done and needs changing). The heat yesterday was excruciating-it was even hard for the dogs to bear it but there was no way we’d stop ‘cause the job had to be done. Now every muscle in my body hurts and I move in a Robocop style. It would’ve been funny if it wasn’t painful. I’m physically unfit to go through that again today. And there’s that other thing: I couldn’t fall asleep last night until very, very late (it was so late it was already very early in the morning). The exhaustion was not only physical but emotional as well. I’d close my eyes and I’d see those lovely muzzles and begging eyes and wet noses…ah! I want to take them all home to take care of them and love them. ‘cause they deserve love-all the love in the world.  

... 235

I must go easy on the zeal and stop acting like I’m on a quest to save the world, stop trying to bite off more than I can chew. That’s what my friends think. That’s what my mother thinks. Well, help me or shut up-that’s what I think.

... 234

Oh, damn, I had enough of positive thinking for one day and I need a touch of melancholy (hi there old friend!) to feel a familiar taste. Even my friends don’t support me.  That’s a bit too much for me. Shouldn’t I be the one to decide about my life and my dreams? My courage is a fragile commodity-don’t play with it.

Some days I wish tomorrow would never come.

Nothing more to add

... 233

I honestly can’t tell how I feel. Out of place, out of time, out of proportion, above all sad, at times like a lamb cornered by a pack of wolves, deeply humble and in awe of all the sensations lately. Proud of myself is one way I don’t feel-rather ashamed that it took me so long to dare leave my comfort zone. Not that it was much of a comfort-it just felt still and secure which is often confused with good life. But good life isn’t one and the same as proper life, is it? People are indeed a disgraceful species-they have been given the gift of thinking and the emotional capacity for compassion and yet they choose not to use them. What a pitiful waste of potential.   It sickens me to watch people self-absorbingly wallowing in their private precious puddles of complacency blissfully unaware of anything around. How can that be enough for anyone? OK, no one’s perfect and I’m not the one to judge (not that anyone is) but what the hell happened to the gene of kindness, of good will, of empathy? It seems to me that humans no longer remember how to be humans.

... 232

I feel my tolerance for people so stretched it’s nearly transparent. It’s no fun to be resentful towards an entire species that just happens to be your own-it kind of burns your bridges down.

I’m all cheerfulness, am I not?

... 231

90 % of the people supporting Animal Rescue Sofia and donating for the shelter and the surgeries are females. Umm, I’m not sure what to make of it. I strongly believe that gender has nothing what so ever to do with the person you are. And yet…

What is it? I mean, really, what’s the reason? Males are ashamed to show compassion? They simply don’t give a fuck anything they wouldn’t benefit from? Ugh.