... 373

Life is beautiful.

But...

I am perfectly aware I say that only because I have 5 concerts still to go to. The last one is on July 17th. What will happen after it's done? I don't need my dreams to come true. Not ALL of them that is. But I need to have them. Is there a room for dreams once the fairytale ends?

One step at a time. I'm off to Vienna tomorrow. Now I need to go home, pack my bag and wait. Tomorrow I'll get on the plane and fly. And on Tuesday I'll go to my third Meet and Greet with 30 Seconds To Mars :) And that's all I must think about. What will happen will happen and I'll deal with it when/as it happens.

Life is beautiful. Until further notice of course. But that'll do for now.

WTF?!

Damn, if Jared sticks to those ridiculous outfits I’m not sharing my Meet and Greet photos.

Yeah, I know – you wish you had my problems :) It's OK-it's not a problem, it's just a disturbing observation.

But really, has he lost his mind?! What the fuck does he think he's doing? I love a good laugh but that's way too...eh, whatever. Just make sure to sing well, OK?

Unless...well, it could be a diversion tactic to make people talk about his crazy clothes instead of Shannon and how come he isn't present. It's a good theory but on second thought-no, I don't think that's the case.

The latest update on the situation is that Shannon is banned from leaving USA until July 10th. Ummm...oh fuck. Concerts without him will be...strange? To say the least? Phew.

Funny thing-you can waste your time playing with numerous versions of future but reality always has the last word in the argument. From here I can only count on a miracle.  

Take it from me

Keep your enemies close and your friends closer-because if you don’t soon you’ll be left with nothing but enemies.

... 372

Even superheroes need to recharge their batteries now and then. And I'm neither super nor a hero. Unfortunately my mind still craves for retribution... or at least any kind of proof that there is some order in the universe. There is a reason for everything that happens, right? Who planted this bullshit in our heads? Yes, there is a reason. It is called life and there's nothing systematic about it. I need to get this out of my system before it gets the better of me while there is still something better left. And I will. But tomorrow. Today I need to be selfish for a change.

But it's just that the world turns into an even lonelier place when I'm not delusional about it.

... 371

I'm through with work and the office for this week but it's already all the same-the damage is done and I'm so exhausted that I need heads to roll. Not that it would make me feel less tired or better but there is supposed to be a reaction to every action and this is mine. I'm so tired that right now I don't even have the energy to feel like a normal human being let alone act or think like one. The"positive thinking" crap will have to wait for tomorrow-today I'm busy blowing the whole world to smithereens. Because it's easier and I'm after all just a human having a really shitty week.

... 370

It’s a beautiful world when you have painkillers.

Faith, hope or love?

I’d always choose hope. Because faith and love wear off eventually but as long as there’s a new days there is hope – for a new you or a new me.

“I wanna be so far away…”

I’m too tired for/of words.

... 369

The more I know the less I need to talk about it. It's knowledge that goes beyond words and relates to the soul rather than the mind.

... 368

I find happiness hard to believe-but it doesn't matter if I believe it as long as it feels good. Only "now" matters. Short-term thinking can go a long way-to the very end actually. I prefer to arrive at the final destination lighthearted and content. That's how I see it now. And if tomorrow I see it differently I will be perfectly OK with that.

My birthday is just around the corner-in less than 20 days. I feel surprisingly indifferent about getting older but then again why worry about the inevitable? I can't, however, picture myself being 60 years old. I just can't. Sometimes I hope I'll never have to. And sometimes it's more than just a hope.

Happy moments expire quickly. But so do the sad ones. The latter just seem to last longer. The skill to manipulate your own perceptions is one of the benefits of having a birthday one too many.

"It makes me sick"

" When I think about them,

you know, out there...

 

...in their rooms, on the streets,

utilising public transportation...

 

...downloading pornography,

 

ordering their lives

out of catalogs...

 

...shitting out processed foods,

cashing welfare checks...

 

...opining, bitching, moaning,

consuming, copulating...

 

...and multiplying.

It makes me sick. "

... 367

Today was even worse than yesterday but I made it work again. And I just figured out why: because I no longer see myself as a victim.

Good for me. And bad for everyone that tries to explore the limits of my patience. I have teeth and now I’m willing and able to use them... if necessary; with no guilt attached.

... 366

I wake up to a new day.

And I burst with excitement to see what it has to offer.

And then I get on the bus to work.

And I look around.

And everyone on the bus has this sullen I'm-so-pissed-and-I-hate-everyone expression.

And then I get to the office.

And I hear the same bullshit.

The same whining.

The same pitiful small chat.

And I feel like screaming.

Edit: I fought my resentment and made the day work. I almost feel proud of myself.